Tuesday, August 14, 2007

When Relationships End Violently

I usually do not post in the morning, but I was awake several times during the night thinking and pondering about relationships that end and why some people cannot accept that for whatever reasons, the relationship is over and that it is time to move on. This is particularly true where things have deteriorated to a point where one member of the couple has been physically violent to the other individual. In my view, NOTHING ever gives one the right to hit another person and once the first physical blow has been received, the relationship by definition has moved to a point where salvaging it is in all likelihood hopeless. At least if the goal of the parties is a truly loving and mutually respectful relationship. The fact is that remaining in the relationship is potentially dangerous for the party who has been attacked physically. A former neighbor of mine, in fact, found herself in the emergency room one night due to her fear/failure to end an abusive relationship with her husband.

Nonetheless, there are some aggressive members of relationships who want to point blame at the party who has been assaulted. They refuse to take responsibility for their conduct and to accept the fact that THEY are the one who in effect ended the relationship with that first blow. Even more incredibly to me, some abusers think themselves the victim when the party that they have physically abused cannot resume the relationship due to fear and concerns of future physical harm. The abused party should not have to bring assault charges or seek protective orders so that they can go on with their life. Nor should they have to receive abusive communications, fear being stalked, find themselves being impersonated online by the abuser, or any number of others actions the unrelenting party may undertake in their attempt to continue to possess and control their victim. Sadly, some abusers apparently leave their victims with no option but to initiate criminal charges.

I do not understand the mindset. It is one thing to pine over the loss of a lover. Most of us have had such an experience at some point in our lives. It is something totally different to threaten and intimidate the supposed beloved to try to force him/her to return to the relationship which, in fact, has already ended due to the physical violence. All the aggressor accomplishes is to push the supposed beloved farther and farther away to a point where even friendship will be impossible in the future. Total possession and control of another is not love under any definition.

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