Gay Self Esteem

I came upon this post consisting of a book review today (http://superbbluewren.livejournal.com/175758.html#cutid1) on Superbbluewren' s journal (out of Australia), but thought that some of what it says is relevant to gays anywhere. I recommend that you read the whole post, but here are some highlights:

"It is really important to recognise a simple and basic truth. A person who is nasty to you, who is arrogant, distant without reason or is angry at a level much greater than you deserve, always, absolutely always dislikes himself. He doesn't dare recognise his own self-dislike; instead he thinks he sees it in your eyes and then responds to you the way he sees you, not the way you are." That unequivocal statement answers a question that I have been asking myself for the last few years. The statement comes from a book called: An Intelligent Life: A practical guide to relationships, intimacy and self-esteem by Sydney psychiatrist Julian Short.

Poor self-esteem and the resulting depression is one of the major problems of western society today. In particular, self-esteem is one of the greatest challenges to gay men. We may be paranoid at times, but there are significant sections of the community who are out to get us. Self-esteem is not the same as self-confidence. Being able to perform for one person (sexually or otherwise) or thousands has nothing to do with self-esteem. There are many politicians, rock stars and other celebrities who can perform, sometimes for a world audience, but they are not necessarily people who like themselves. A self-respecting person likes himself but it is visible in openness, not confident certainty. Short comments that "If you're a superstar it might be easy to have a high self-opinion, but if you live your life intelligently you can learn how to be insignificant, how to fail, make a mess or just be plain wrong and still like yourself, because happiness is about more than achievement or status." So how do we live our life intelligently?

People are not mind readers! They judge us by what we do and say. They are most influenced by our recent behaviour. If we change our behaviour for the better and persist with the change, we earn the respect of others and build our own self-respect. We may think that we are still not much good and that we are just acting but we tend to judge ourselves by the same criteria that others use. Our judgement of ourselves aligns eventually with the judgement of others. Again Short comments that "the way you feel today is far more influenced by the way you handle the present than by what happened in your past". That is true, even if we were the cause of what happened in our past.

It is what we do in response to our feelings that makes the difference. Short summarises the behaviour of self-respect in these points:

1. Behave as the person you would like to be and to be seen to be.

2. Behave like a person who likes himself.

3. Act with kindness and dignity as often as you can.

4. Treat everyone you meet as worthy, equal adults.

5. If in doubt, administer love.

6. Follow the golden rule for building and preserving your self-esteem: always treat other people as if you believe they like you.