Fighting Holiday Loneliness

As I have noted before, early in my coming out journey, the holiday season was the worse time of the year for me. All I did was focus on what I'd lost - and the fact that I had not yet found anything meaningful to replace it. The fact that my late parents were totally accepting of me (admittedly something wonderful) did little to replace the emptiness. Separation from my children on days like Thanksgiving and Christmas only further aggravated the situation. In fact, for the first two years of my coming out journey, the holidays found me most often simply wanting to die.

From e-mails I have received over the course of the weekend, I know that there are many others in the dark place that I once inhabited too much of the time. A common complaint is that the formerly married gay man has left his marriage and now has no one in their life. The result is that they are terrified that they will be alone forever. This was certainly a common theme during my sessions with my therapist who nearly pulled his hair out at times when I was insistent that I could not survive if I was alone. In retrospect, his lectures that I needed to find a way to be happy and confident in myself even if I remained single forever were worthwhile. At the time, it was a message that I simply did NOT want to hear. The other thing that I've come to appreciate after the fact is the reality that if one is caught up in a constant pity party, you're not going to strike most people as attractive husband material. In fact, potential partners may discretely run from you.

Reaching that point of contentment with being alone, however, is easier said than done. I am frequently asked how I reached a point of being content with being alone if that were to be the hand I was dealt. that point. The answer is not easy to explain. But I will give it a shot for both those who have contacted me and others who have not but who are suffering quietly alone. One step in the process for me involved jumping prematurely into what in many ways was an utterly disastrous relationship. I won't go into all the gory details - old posts on this blog from the time period of the long overdue break up of that relationship have already done that. Suffice it to say, I finally came to see that being alone was far better than being immersed in a dysfunctional relationship that carried constant high drama.

Concurrent with the break up, I found ways to be busy and around people even though I did not have a significant other. At the time, HRBOR (www.hrbor.org) was newly launched and I immersed myself in building the organization. I had one gay couple that remain the best of friends and often I'd simply hang out with them rather than stay home alone. Involvement in the Legends Committee for Equality Virginia's fall fundraiser likewise was a means to (1) stay busy and (2) meet new people within the LGBT community. This blog also provided a means to have a "cyberspace family" that I could communicate with daily. Through these efforts and others, I was able to see that I had a purpose in my life and that I could participate in making a difference. It all sort of jelled and I came to believe that I could have a full and purposeful life even if I never found "Mr. Right." The result was that guys came to see me - rightly or wrongly - as "having my shit together" and being someone self-confident and self-sufficient. In short, someone who was husband material. And guess what, that's when I met my current partner of over 3 years.

Was the process along the way fun and easy? Not at all much of the time and I was often outside my comfort zone in a major way. I had to force myself to stay engaged at times, but in the long run, it was worth every moment of effort and/or discomfort. And my message to other in the dark places I once knew too well is that you CAN make the transition too. I'm proof that it can be done.