The Toll of Homophobia on Straight Men

Having spent years in the closet trying to "act straight" and avoid any actions or behavior that might expose "my secret" - one that I had not even fully admitted to myself - I know the toll that it takes on a person's soul. A column in the Baltimore Sun indicates that a fear of being perceived as gay stunts and damages the relationships of many straight men as well since, God forbid, they don't want anyone to think they are one of us gays. There's truth to what the article says based on my observations in the straight world during my years in the closet. I'd also venture to say that many father/son relationships are likely damaged because both parties worry about how open love and affection might be misconstrued. It's truly a f*cked up situation: always trying to be "manly" and keep one's emotions under strict control and in the process losing opportunities to show love. It leads in my view to an emotionally stunted life. Not that the proponents of homophobia and anti-gay rhetoric likely give a damn about this larger collateral damage their religious fueled bigotry causes. Here are some highlights:
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In the 1986 movie "Stand By Me," an adult protagonist — played by Richard Dreyfuss — looks back wistfully on the friendships he formed in his youth. "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve," he muses. "Does anyone?"
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For most American men, the sad answer is "no." In surveys, men report that they rarely sustain intimate, long-standing friendships with other males after childhood. And the reason might surprise you: According to a large body of research, they're afraid of being seen as gay.
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[T]o fight intolerance against gay boys, we also need to acknowledge its toll on straights — and our entire culture. Homophobia hurts all of our boys, by driving a wedge between them. Sharing your deepest feelings with another man? That's so … gay. Or so we've been taught.
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And we've known about this problem for a long time. In the early 1980s, observing hundreds of elementary-school boys, sociologists Barrie Thorne and Zella Luria noticed that kindergarteners and first-graders hugged, joined arms and held hands. But by fifth grade, boys had forsaken these customs in favor of mock violence — poking, pushing and shoving — or ritual gestures like high-fives.
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And it's not just physical intimacy that decreases, of course. Other scholars watched teenage boys at the movies, where they often sat apart even if they came in together. Most of all, they avoided showing their emotions to each other. Even at a tear-jerk movie, it seems, boys aren't supposed to cry. That's "gay," too.
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It wasn't always that way. In the 19th century, American men declared their love for each other in fiction, poetry and song. And you can see it in photographs from the period, as well, which show men posing in physical embrace — sharing a chair, holding hands.
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All of that began to change in the early 20th century, when new fears of "feminization" started to drive men apart. As America urbanized, the argument went, men were losing the rough-hewn virtues of the old frontier. So educators began to emphasize competitive sports, especially football, which would restore the nation's endangered masculinity. And they also warned about "sissies" or "fairies," which in turn led men to turn away from each other.
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[I]n the 1950s, . . . a new homophobia stalked the land. In Congress, Joseph McCarthy and other red-baiters argued that gay men were often Communists as well. Psychologists warned against overprotective mothers, whose worries and anxieties would supposedly render their sons into homosexuals.
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The boys heard the message, of course, distancing themselves from each other. And you can hear the message still, at any school or playground, where they call each other homo, fag, or queer. That hurts the gay kids most of all, as the awful death of Tyler Clementi reminds us. But it hurts the rest of us, too, by limiting the ways that men can act and feel. And that's bad news for all American men, and for anyone — male or female — who loves them.