Once I had told my wife my horrible secret, I began to see a therapist. My therapist was a PhD Psychologist and also an ordained Presbyterian minister. The first item to be worked through was the religious based self-hate that had been instilled in me so successfully by the Roman Catholic Church. If nothing else, the Church is moist expert in instilling guilt and self-hate into countless millions, particularly LGBT Catholics. This therapist helped me to see that there were other interpretations of the Bible and provided many references to books I should read. Seeing him weekly for well over a year, I finally reached a point of some peace with my sexuality from a religious belief perspective. I truly believe anyone from a strong, conservative religious background needs to find an understanding therapist to help them recover from the religious poison they have been given growing up.
Eventually, I hit a plateau with this therapist. He helped me get over much of my religious based self-hate and angst, but we were not making progress on the issues of me moving on as a gay man and dealing with the sense of guilt and failure that haunted me from my failed marriage. Fortunately, I found a therapist who specialized in men in mid-life going through transition due to divorce, loss of a spouse, coming out of the closet, death of child, etc. He was exactly what I needed. It’s taken a long time, but I have put all of the guilt and sense of failure baggage behind me and accept that God made me gay for some unknowable reason. Along the way, there were a couple of overdose attempts and many very dark days. But now, I have reached a peace with who I am and my sexual orientation. My therapist had to hear a lot of crap and whining at times, but now I do not feel the need to apologize to anyone.
One thing many gays say is that they don’t like their therapist or that it’s not working. To that my advice is to keep looking for the right therapist. At some point you will find the right one and your journey from the closet can be made far easier and less of an emotional nightmare.
The other thing that I see as critical in making the transition out of the closet is to have gay friends that you can talk with, either in person or online. Just knowing that there are others out there who have been through the coming out process and made it through mentally in one piece means a great deal. Better yet, find a relationship with a special lover. My long distance relationship with the Chicago CPA did not last, but it did help me on my path. For the last three years, my b/f has played a critical role in loving me and helping me to feel comfortable as a gay man and as part of a gay couple. That’s not to say there were not a lot of bumps along the road or that the b/f didn’t have a great deal of crap to live with as I made my transition. The important thing is that he stood by me at the times it counted most.
Eventually, I hit a plateau with this therapist. He helped me get over much of my religious based self-hate and angst, but we were not making progress on the issues of me moving on as a gay man and dealing with the sense of guilt and failure that haunted me from my failed marriage. Fortunately, I found a therapist who specialized in men in mid-life going through transition due to divorce, loss of a spouse, coming out of the closet, death of child, etc. He was exactly what I needed. It’s taken a long time, but I have put all of the guilt and sense of failure baggage behind me and accept that God made me gay for some unknowable reason. Along the way, there were a couple of overdose attempts and many very dark days. But now, I have reached a peace with who I am and my sexual orientation. My therapist had to hear a lot of crap and whining at times, but now I do not feel the need to apologize to anyone.
One thing many gays say is that they don’t like their therapist or that it’s not working. To that my advice is to keep looking for the right therapist. At some point you will find the right one and your journey from the closet can be made far easier and less of an emotional nightmare.
The other thing that I see as critical in making the transition out of the closet is to have gay friends that you can talk with, either in person or online. Just knowing that there are others out there who have been through the coming out process and made it through mentally in one piece means a great deal. Better yet, find a relationship with a special lover. My long distance relationship with the Chicago CPA did not last, but it did help me on my path. For the last three years, my b/f has played a critical role in loving me and helping me to feel comfortable as a gay man and as part of a gay couple. That’s not to say there were not a lot of bumps along the road or that the b/f didn’t have a great deal of crap to live with as I made my transition. The important thing is that he stood by me at the times it counted most.
1 comment:
I agree, therapy is very important. It took me about five months to admit to my therapist the real reason I was coming to see her (luckily I am still in school, so my counseling was free). anyway, she was wonderfully patient and perfectly understanding and helpful once i did come out to her.
As for the gay friends, I think that was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing for me. My friend Nick, whom I mentioned on the blog, was an invaluable source of both support and assistance. And then once i started the blog and people contacted me online, I came a lot farther out than I ever expected to in just a few short months. This post is dead on.
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