A Thanksgiving Day Retrospective on Coming Out

It's fairly early and I'm killing time waiting for overnight house guests to wake up. The boyfriend a/k/a "Martha Stewart" is not surprisingly in the kitchen setting up for breakfast. One guest is a former roommate from when I had tenants living with me while I was living in my house in Norfolk. With him is his boyfriend and another friend who will be joining his family for Thanksgiving down in North Carolina. They spent the night with us as a way station while headed south. It's nice having them here even for a brief visit. Thanksgiving is truly a time for friends and family.

But not all of us are so lucky. And I remember some truly horrible Thanksgivings and Christmases from my first years into my coming out journey. By chance I looked at a blog I've been "following" - via the Blogger dashboard on this blog - that's written by a guy who is about 9 months into the coming out process after years of marriage and children. From there I looked at a number of blogs to which he links his blog and saw more stories of other formerly married men struggling for self-acceptance and a sense that their entire lives have not disintegrated. It struck me as to just how many of us formerly married gays there are - and how sad it is that so many of us felt forced to try to me straight whether due to family expectations or religious brainwashing. The pain in many of these stories is palpable and brings back pain that thankfully I have now put behind me even though it often seemed that I'd ever move beyond the pain and sense that I'd harmed my children.

For those struggling as I once did, I want to share this quote from a post one of my daughters put on this blog a few years ago (I never published it):

"You were very obviously unhappy and angry, although for a long time we had no idea why, and I think that you being honest with yourself has been beneficial to our whole family. . . . I hope everyday that we can put all of this behind us so that in one way or another we can all be like family again. Whether or not that will happen, who knows. . . . "

We are still working on the latter part of that situation. But, things are good again with my children and light years ahead of where they once were with my former wife. In further elaborating since that time my daughter said that she can't imagine what I was going through and that even though my coming out created great turmoil in her life - in all our lives - it was the best thing that could have happened. For those who find themselves where I once was this holiday season, my message is to hang onto the fact that you cannot be a good parent if you are living a lie and in constant denial and/or struggling with self-hate. Things will get better - even if not on the time table you might want.

Oh, and as for my former roommate. I remember when he was headed home one time and was going to finally come out to his in someways very traditional family. He was a nervous wreck and sweating bullets. As it turned out, things went just fine and as noted above, his boyfriend is with him as they head to a family gathering. Give your loved ones time and a chance to surprise you. I know my late father surprised me with his total acceptance (my mother was never a worry) and I will always treasure that gift he gave me.

Later today, we will be with most of the boyfriend's family for dinner, including my father-in-law, the retired Baptist minister. My youngest daughter and her boyfriend will be joining us. It's a beautiful sunny morning and the prospects are great for a wonderful day.