Over the Cliff: Gay Husbands in Straight Marriages

I regularly receive e-mails from men who are walking the path that I once did: coming to terms with the fact that I was gay and having to tell my straight spouse and children. Other than losing a loved one, it is without a doubt the hardest thing that I've ever had to do and it's not an overnight process. Indeed, it's not a process that cannot be completed in even one or two years in my view. Rather it can take years to make the transition and find real self-acceptance and happiness. What makes it even harder is the fact that while the gay spouse is moving towards a new life, the straight spouse is left with only a sense of what's been lost and often extreme anger and bitterness. Too often, in my view, straight spouses fail to see that they are just as much victims of a homophobic society as their gay spouse who did everything to try to be straight and to deny who they really were. Every Christianist who promotes the "ex-gay" myth - like Michele and Marcus Bachmann - continues to damage lives of both gay and straight spouses. Worse yet, they show no remorse for the harm that they do. One big difficulty facing the gay spouse is finding guidance on the coming out journey. I bought what books I could find, but they were few and far between - at least for those coming out in mid-life. Now, Doug Dittmer (who has made the journey himself and has compared notes if you will with me) and Bonnie Kay have co-authored a book that endeavors to give some guidance to both the gay spouse and the straight spouse. Here are some highlights from their website:
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Millions of gay men throughout the world find themselves in marriages to women because they didn’t understand their homosexuality when they got married. Most of them took their sacred vows with honorable intentions because it was the “right thing” to do according to religious, family, and societal pressures. They hoped in their hearts that loving their wives and children would make those nagging attractions to men fade and eventually go away. As hard as they try to be “straight” by living a “straight life,” in time it just doesn’t happen. No amount of therapy, counseling, or love for a family can change a man’s sexuality. Sadly, many of these gay men spend years of their lives feeling confused, guilty, trapped, and unfulfilled.
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For those men who are living a double life, the prolonged staying in a marriage can last for years because they just don’t know how to leave. They have real fears that keep them stuck in the quicksand feeling paralyzed to make a move. Some of these fears include: What will the repercussions be? How can I walk away from my family? What about hurting my wife? How will my children look at me if they know I am gay? Will they hate me? These are all difficult questions that need meaningful answers.
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Over the Cliff - Gay Men in Straight Marriages addresses these issues through interviews with 16 men who faced making this decision. Their stories will definitely validate everything you are feeling and fearing. In addition, the book offers advice from internationally recognized straight/gay marriage counselor Bonnie Kaye as well as her gay male peer counselor, Doug Dittmer, who also helps both men and women in their pursuit for understanding how to move past the pain of these marriages.
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This book is also a valuable read for straight wives to explain why their husbands married them and to help them understand why their marriages failed. Through the stories of the gay husbands, women will understand that they are in no way responsible for their husband’s homosexuality or the deterioration of the marriage.
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You can find the book at Amazon.com