I'm not sure why, but I had dreams about my father throughout the night last night. Perhaps it is because the second anniversary of his death is approaching. Perhaps it is because I had been talking with my son about the logistics of what we were going to do for his birthday. Sadly, my dad died on my son's birthday, thus always prompting bitter sweet thoughts as that date approaches. I had seen my father less than two weeks before he died and he had actually seemed to have been rallying again in his struggle against cancer. When I got the call that final morning that he was failing and that I needed to come immediately, it was too late for me to make it from Norfolk to Charlottesville before he died. It turned out he had died less than an hour before I arrived and I was not able to say one last goodbye, not that he would have necessarily known I was there.*
As long time readers know, my relationship with my dad was not always the best. He was a difficult man in many ways although in retrospect he always loved me and tried to do what was best for me. He definitely taught me what it was to be honest, stand by one's principles and not join in with people who were like lemmings scurrying after what was most popular or expedient. That we were not closer than we were was partly his fault, but also mine because of the glass wall I kept erected between me and others during my closet years. That glass wall also stood between me and my own son for many years. The glass wall was there to protect "my secret" and to protect me from the rejection I feared would occur if my dad, my son, and everyone else discovered I was actually gay. It impeded so many relationships. As it turned out, neither my dad nor my son rejected me, and with my dad I found the closure that had eluded us for nearly 50 years. I am still working on being the father my son deserves, but at least openness and honesty have been achieved. So many lost years - all because of homophobia and fear and the damage they do to those in the closet and to a indirect extent those who love them.
*
I admit that I rage at times on this blog against the Christianists and others who seek to denigrate gays and keep anti-gay bigotry alive. I do so because I do not want anyone to have to experience the pain and unhappiness I endured. These haters can no longer touch me (because I won't let them), but they seek to harm others still on a daily basis through the lies and false religion they disseminate. I have little sympathy for those who seek to oppress us because in my opinion their anti-gay agenda is really selfish and all about themselves. How so? They seek to protect their fragile "faith" that cannot endure the fact that just maybe God made some of us gay by design and that just perhaps the Bible is not 100% accurate. If forced to admit these truth, then their whole sham world falls apart. Worse yet, for some it's all about making money by preying on gays and their families. Still others worry about the "embarrassment" of having a gay child or relative. What would their friends and neighbors think? They think first of themselves and later, if at all, about their child/relative. To me its an ultimate form of selfishness.
*
Thankfully, my dad - and more or less all my extended family for that matter - passed the test and accepted and embraced me for who I am. That is the best gift that anyone can give to someone gay. Not money and things, but love and total acceptance. I thank my dad for having given me that gift.
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