Thursday Evening Thoughts

As I have mentioned briefly in a prior post and in more detail to some of you via e-mail, I have had a few medical issues going on since I have some as yet undiagnosed condition. From initial blood work and other symptoms, the most annoying of which is itching all over (which makes sleeping a bitch), it was thought that I might have a rare blood disorder, Polycythemia. On last Friday morning I had a CAT scan done to, among other things, check to see if I have an enlarged spleen - one of the common symptoms- or any sometimes related liver problems. I got the results today and all was pretty much normal. Obviously, good news, but not any more dis positive of the true situation than what I knew before. I am waiting to see what my doctors recommend next and/or may go see a hematologist. For now, I remain alive and kicking.

Over the last two nights, I re-read Christopher Rice's book, "A Density of Souls." Some may find it quirky (especially some straights), but I find it an interesting view of life and society. It shows the hate and damage done by homophobia, the superficial nature of much in upper middle class life in the USA, and the Deep South in particular, since the story takes place in New Orleans. It also shows some of the intimacy and wonder of gay love. Having lived in Mobile, Alabama, just 120 miles to the east of New Orleans and with a very similar "Old Family" social structure, the book rings very true. There are also parallels to my former upscale neighborhood in Virginia Beach where I lived for 18 years during my marriage.

What also strikes home in the story is that most of the characters are "doing what they were told to do" by family and society, not following their true natures or their hearts. The result is that they go through the motions of a life, but in many ways do not truly live or find real happiness. It is the gay characters who seem to most see the false reality of those around them, all the while suffering for being "different" or "breaking the rules." I think being different and "breaking the rules," particularly in matters of sexual attraction, is what sets gays apart from the rest of society. At least here in largely backward Tidewater, Virginia. In truth, we are just like everyone else in so many ways, yet we do have a whole different perspective as a result of hiding our true identities while growing up and often even when out of the closet (e.g., at work). Of course, that different perspective merely adds to the "otherness" that so frightens some. Personally, I think that is a good thing and helps give gays a freedom of thought and action that others do not have. No doubt one of the reasons the Christianists hate us.

I have rambled. Sorry. I do recommend the book. I also often think of one of the poems in the book, which offers good counsel in times of stress:

"Fear cannot touch me,
It can only taunt me, it cannot take me,
Just tell me where to go.
I can either follow, or I can hold on to the things that I know.
The shadows are darkness, and darkness cannot talk."