Saturday, August 25, 2012

A Mother Blames Herself and Her Church for Her Son's Suicide

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There has been coverage ad nausea of the tragic suicide of Tyler Clementi  and the aftermath of his death, including the highly publicized trial of his former roommate.  Now, the New York Times has a piece that one can only hope that some parents of LGBT children will read and take to heart.  It's a piece in which Clementi's mother candidly looks at her own failings and how she allowed church sponsored bigotry to harm her child.  Belatedly, she seems to get what she should have grasped long ago: if the choice is between your child or your church, you need to pick your child.  I continue to be dumbstruck by the number of parents who choose their church over their children.  Here are some article highlights:

[T]heir son’s suicide has also forced changes, and new honesty, upon them. They have left the church that made Ms. Clementi so resistant to her son’s declaration. Their middle son, James, acknowledged what the family had long suspected and said that he, too, was gay. The family is devoting itself to a foundation promoting acceptance with the hope of preventing the suicides of gay teenagers.

Most of all, Ms. Clementi has had to grapple with her own role in Tyler’s death. “People talk about coming out of the closet — it’s parents coming out of the closet, too,” she said. “I wasn’t really ready for that.” 

At the time Tyler sat down to tell his parents he was gay, she believed that homosexuality was a sin, as her evangelical church taught. She said she was not ready to tell friends, protecting her son — and herself — from what would surely be the harsh judgments of others.  “It did not change the fact that I loved my son,” she said. “I did need to think about how that would fit into my thoughts on homosexuality.”

In the months after Tyler’s death, some of Ms. Clementi’s friends confided that they, too, had gay children. She blames religion for the shame surrounding it — in the conversation about coming out, Tyler told his mother he did not think he could be Christian and gay. 

“I think some people think that sexual orientation can be changed or prayed over,” she said now, in her kitchen. “But I know sexual orientation is not up for negotiation. I don’t think my children need to be changed. I think that what needed changing is attitudes, or myself, or maybe some other people I know.”
She decided she could no longer attend her church, because doing so would suggest she supported its teachings against homosexuality. And she took strength from reading the Bible as she reconsidered her views. 

“At this point I think Jesus is more about reconciliation and love,” she said. “He spoke more about divorce than homosexuality, but you can be divorced and join a church more than you can be gay and join churches.”
What has troubled her most is the thought that Tyler believed she had rejected him.

Sadly, too often parents think about themselves, and not their child, and they worry about what others will think.  I don't understand the mindset.  I guess I'm glad that I don't because it would be a sad testimony about me if I did understand it.

1 comment:

JustAMike said...

So truly sad. I remember how I was overcome with love when my first son was born. It was an overwhelming experience. I vowed at that moment, that I would never, ever stop loving him unconditionally. I even said, "if he turned out to be an axe murder", I would still love and support him. I know that sounds weird today but that is the depth to which my love went, and still does for all three of my sons (none of whom, have become axe murderers . . . LOL).

When I was coming out, I was told a sad story by a mid-life gay father who, at his father's funeral was told by his uncle that his homosexuality had put the final nail in his father's coffin. Such an incredibly horrible thing to say. Again, another religious family (this time, Mennonite). My friend was in his late fifties when he was told this and it hurt him so much. He has since married a great man and they both are enjoying a new grandchild in their lives (his biological grandchild). His story proves that "it does get better" even in mid-life.

A close friend of mine, when I told her I was gay, burst into tears. Her problem? She revealed to me that her adult daughter had just come out as a lesbian. "I'm not ready to be the mother of a lesbian!" she wailed. My reply: "It's nothing to do with you". But, In retrospect, I think I was wrong because it does involve family too, in the social context. As herd animals, we are often much more concerned about what others in the herd think that we harm ourselves trying to fit in. Having said this, it's the family's obligation to react well, because it's not a choice and it's not fair to have their loved one hide just so they can live at ease. They must show leadership in teaching the herd that it's "okay to be gay".

Even in my case, I've never had a bad outing yet, but, I've also been very discrete in the small town in which we live, out of deference to my sons, who I thought might not be ready to "come out as sons of a gay man". That's slowly evolving too. I'm now the VP of the high school PAC (a.k.a. PTA) and I'm in discussion with a gay school trustee on joining the school district's "Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity" (SOGI) committee.

Oh, the tangled webs we weave . . .