A Mother Blames Herself and Her Church for Her Son's Suicide

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There has been coverage ad nausea of the tragic suicide of Tyler Clementi  and the aftermath of his death, including the highly publicized trial of his former roommate.  Now, the New York Times has a piece that one can only hope that some parents of LGBT children will read and take to heart.  It's a piece in which Clementi's mother candidly looks at her own failings and how she allowed church sponsored bigotry to harm her child.  Belatedly, she seems to get what she should have grasped long ago: if the choice is between your child or your church, you need to pick your child.  I continue to be dumbstruck by the number of parents who choose their church over their children.  Here are some article highlights:

[T]heir son’s suicide has also forced changes, and new honesty, upon them. They have left the church that made Ms. Clementi so resistant to her son’s declaration. Their middle son, James, acknowledged what the family had long suspected and said that he, too, was gay. The family is devoting itself to a foundation promoting acceptance with the hope of preventing the suicides of gay teenagers.

Most of all, Ms. Clementi has had to grapple with her own role in Tyler’s death. “People talk about coming out of the closet — it’s parents coming out of the closet, too,” she said. “I wasn’t really ready for that.” 

At the time Tyler sat down to tell his parents he was gay, she believed that homosexuality was a sin, as her evangelical church taught. She said she was not ready to tell friends, protecting her son — and herself — from what would surely be the harsh judgments of others.  “It did not change the fact that I loved my son,” she said. “I did need to think about how that would fit into my thoughts on homosexuality.”

In the months after Tyler’s death, some of Ms. Clementi’s friends confided that they, too, had gay children. She blames religion for the shame surrounding it — in the conversation about coming out, Tyler told his mother he did not think he could be Christian and gay. 

“I think some people think that sexual orientation can be changed or prayed over,” she said now, in her kitchen. “But I know sexual orientation is not up for negotiation. I don’t think my children need to be changed. I think that what needed changing is attitudes, or myself, or maybe some other people I know.”

She decided she could no longer attend her church, because doing so would suggest she supported its teachings against homosexuality. And she took strength from reading the Bible as she reconsidered her views. 

“At this point I think Jesus is more about reconciliation and love,” she said. “He spoke more about divorce than homosexuality, but you can be divorced and join a church more than you can be gay and join churches.”

What has troubled her most is the thought that Tyler believed she had rejected him.

Sadly, too often parents think about themselves, and not their child, and they worry about what others will think.  I don't understand the mindset.  I guess I'm glad that I don't because it would be a sad testimony about me if I did understand it.