Recognizing Bullying in Its Many Forms

I continue to be haunted by the suicide death of Jamey Rodemeyer this past week. Like other teen suicide deaths caused by bullying, his death could have been avoided if he had spoken up more, if our society recognized that bullying isn't just "part of growing up," and religious based anti-gay bigotry was confronted across the board and anti-gay religious beliefs were not routinely given deference instead of being labeled for the hate that they are in fact. One other factor that we will never know may have factored into Rodemeyer's death is that he appears to have been raised Roman Catholic - or at least his funeral was in a Catholic Church. Having been raised Catholic while growing up gay, I know all too well what a mental/psychological/emotional clusterf*ck that is for LGBT youth. Whether Catholics like it or not or not, growing up even nominally in a religious tradition that views gays as "inherently disordered" and "motivated toward evil" could not have been good for Rodemeyer's psychological well being. An op-ed in the New York Times looks at the pressing need to pay more attention to bullying and to hold bullies accountable even when they don't want to see themselves as bullies. Here are some excerpts:

THE suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer, the 14-year-old boy from western New York who killed himself last Sunday after being tormented by his classmates for being gay, is appalling. His story is a classic case of bullying: he was aggressively and repeatedly victimized. Horrific episodes like this have sparked conversations about cyberbullying and created immense pressure on regulators and educators to do something, anything, to make it stop.

Adults need to start paying attention to the language of youth if they want antibullying interventions to succeed.

Jamey recognized that he was being bullied and asked explicitly for help, but this is not always the case. Many teenagers who are bullied can’t emotionally afford to identify as victims, and young people who bully others rarely see themselves as perpetrators. For a teenager to recognize herself or himself in the adult language of bullying carries social and psychological costs. It requires acknowledging oneself as either powerless or abusive.

In our research over a number of years, we have interviewed and observed teenagers across the United States. . . . . Teenagers repeatedly told us that bullying was something that happened only in elementary or middle school. “There’s no bullying at this school” was a regular refrain.

This didn’t mesh with our observations, so we struggled to understand the disconnect. While teenagers denounced bullying, they — especially girls — would describe a host of interpersonal conflicts playing out in their lives as “drama.”

Teenagers say drama when they want to diminish the importance of something. . . . . Dismissing a conflict that’s really hurting their feelings as drama lets teenagers demonstrate that they don’t care about such petty concerns. They can save face while feeling superior to those tormenting them by dismissing them as desperate for attention. Or, if they’re the instigators, the word drama lets teenagers feel that they’re participating in something innocuous or even funny, rather than having to admit that they’ve hurt someone’s feelings.

And when teenagers like Jamey do ask for help, they’re often let down. Not only are many adults ill-equipped to help teenagers do the psychological work necessary, but teenagers’ social position often requires them to continue facing the same social scene day after day.


Like Jamey, there are young people who identify as victims of bullying. But many youths engaged in practices that adults label bullying do not name them as such. Teenagers want to see themselves as in control of their own lives; their reputations are important. Admitting that they’re being bullied, or worse, that they are bullies, slots them into a narrative that’s disempowering and makes them feel weak and childish.

When teenagers acknowledge that they’re being bullied, adults need to provide programs similar to those that help victims of abuse. And they must recognize that emotional recovery is a long and difficult process.

Interventions must focus on positive concepts like healthy relationships and digital citizenship rather than starting with the negative framing of bullying. The key is to help young people feel independently strong, confident and capable without first requiring them to see themselves as either an oppressed person or an oppressor.

Here in Virginia, there are no effective laws on the books and even watered down policies are rarely enforced - ask Christian Taylor's mother - because The Family Foundation and Christianist organizations demand (and the Republican Party of Virginia supports such demands) free rein to make the lives of LGBT students and adults a living Hell. Yes, better work is needed in working with students to end bullying. Equally important, however, is ending the ongoing message that hating and abusing LGBT individuals is perfectly okay. And this latter effort will require confronting haters in pulpits and "family values" organizations head on.