A Day Of Desperation - One Year Later

I have debated whether or not to write about the events of a year ago today. Given the recent gay teen suicides I decided that I would because suicidal thoughts and actions are not reserved to the teenage set. It is all too easy for many of us to feel that things will never be better and that real happiness will never be ours. In this mindset, ending it all can seem the best solution - or at least according to one's clouded thinking at the moment. As long time readers of this blog know, my coming out and divorce process has been tumultuous and drama ladened. What is already a difficult process was made far worse by the readiness of attorneys in Virginia to use homophobia as a weapon to bludgeon a gay spouse in divorce proceedings and the willingness of judges to allow it - even though a plain reading of the Canons of Judicial Conduct bar such behavior and require homophobic judges in theory to recuse himself/herself from the case. I say in theory because from my experience and that of others I know gay bashing and gay baiting is a thriving sport in Virginia's courts. And sadly, the Judicial Review Board does NOTHING to punish or reprimand judges that violate the Canons by allowing such conduct.
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Last year, after ten months of seemingly non-stop drawn out hearings in my divorce where in all but one instance the judges involved allowed gay bashing and opposing counsel seem to almost get off sexually in debasing and abusing me for being gay, efforts at a global settlement collapsed. I received word of this fact around 10:00 AM on September 28, 2009. The only way that I can explain what happened after that is that I snapped emotionally and my only focus was on making it all stop. I left work, drove back home - the boyfriend wasn't at the house - got very drunk and parked my car in the garage with the door closed and the engine running. My office and the boyfriend had called the police when they could not verify my whereabouts and the police showed up at the house while I was still conscious. I ended up being transported to the hospital via ambulance - none of which I remember - after which I was subjected to two days of involuntary treatment and counseling. It's an experience I would not recommend to anyone for many reasons, not the least of which is the harm it does to those who love you. The problem is, of course, that at the point I took the actions I did, I was truly thinking of nothing more than making the nightmare stop. Nothing else mattered.

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A year later, I am glad that my efforts failed. Things are much better emotionally and psychologically and while still difficult, financially I am managing to survive. I have had a wonderful year with the boyfriend and my youngest daughter and I have re-established contact with my other two children. The experience has taught me, however, that as a community, LGBT Americans - indeed LGBT citizens of the world - must redouble our efforts to (1) support each other and (2) stamp out laws like DADT which have as their underlying basis the goal of making us legally inferior and re-enforcing the Christianist message that homophobia is fine and that, indeed, LGBT individuals are deserving of mistreatment. At the national level, this is a huge task and one of the reasons I continue to embrace LGBT activism.

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But not all of the work needs to be done at a national or even state level. In our communities, we need to be visible as LGBT individuals and not hide in fear of judgment. We need as many positive role models as possible - and not just for the benefit of gay teens. And we need to be willing to open our ears and hearts and listen to and give moral support to those being brutalized by the courts and larger society.

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As for the judicial system, whenever a judge ignores the Canons of Judicial Conduct, we need to file a complaint. Even if it goes nowhere, hopefully over time a significant volume of complaints may impact a judge's reappointment prospects. As for attorneys who gay bash and stoop to horrific tactics anti-gay tactics, have friends go to court with you so that you have independent witnesses and then have them file complaints with the State Bar. Base homophobia needs to be called out and condemned whenever and wherever it occurs. Better yet, boycott the law firms of such attorneys and make sure everyone you know is informed about the need to totally avoid such firms. Hopefully, in time an anti-gay reputation will hit them where it hurts most - the financial bottom line. Locally, in my opinion such firms include, but are not limited to Brandon Ziegler at Wolcott Rivers; Huff, Poole & Mahoney; Elizabeth K. Barnes; and Willcox & Savage. These law firms and attorneys need to become pariahs to the local LGBT community and not receive a dime of LGBT money.

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Oh, one caveat to the foregoing: for local gays contemplating divorce, you might want to nonetheless have an initial consultation and talk to these firms/attorneys early on (even if you know full well that you will not be retaining them) so that they will be conflicted out from representing the other side in your case. If they thereafter try to represent the opposing side, file a State Bar complaint.