An Understanding Straight Spouse - Jemma Thomas

Many times on this blog I have discussed to turmoil of coming out in mid-life after living in self-denial for years and years. But the turmoil extends not just to the gay spouse, but also to the straight spouse and other family members. As the gay spouse, it is difficult to ever adequately relate to the straight spouse that they did nothing wrong and that they were in fact loved. Indeed, in my view neither spouse did wrong. Rather, both found themselves caught as victims of differing degrees of the same societal and religious prejudice that forces the gay spouse to deny their true sexuality typically even to themselves. It is near impossible to describe how one knows in some sense that they are gay, yet they will not accept it and come up with all kinds of mental exercises to convince themselves that the - in their view - horrible truth is not in fact true. Reading the accounts of Gareth Thomas' decision to come out later in life after marriage, I could truly identify with the inner Hell he likely experienced. I can likewise understand the devastation his wife, Jemma Thomas (pictured above) felt. Like myself, I suspect Gareth Thomas married with the best of intentions. Unlike in my situation, his wife seems more able to forgive and understand than has been the case with my own divorce. Here are some highlights from a Daily Mail interview with Jemma Thomas and Gareth Thomas:

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Jemma Thomas cries when she remembers her wedding. It was, she says, the proudest, happiest, most perfect day of her life. Everything was magical about that sunny August afternoon in 2001 in the pretty South Wales town of St Brides Major; her first day as the wife of Wales rugby star and sporting legend Gareth Thomas. 'I absolutely adored Gareth with every bone in my body,' says Jemma, 33. 'As I said my vows, all I could think was: "He's mine, this wonderful, amazing man is all mine."' Or so Jemma believed at the time. For the truth was Gareth Thomas could never entirely be hers, no matter how much he loved her or desperately wanted to be.
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Gareth took his marriage vows keeping one devastating secret to himself; that he was gay - something he had, since the age of 17, tried to suppress and push into a dark corner, hoping the feelings would go away. In an exclusive interview in Saturday's Daily Mail, the former Wales and British Lions captain revealed publicly for the first time how he struggled for almost 20 years to come to terms with his true sexuality.
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'I was like a ticking bomb. I thought I could suppress it, keep it locked away in some dark corner of myself, but I couldn't. It was who I was and I just couldn't ignore it any more. It was like a tight knot in my stomach, always threatening to seep out,' said Gareth, who knew he was gay at the age of 17, but refused to accept it, convincing himself his love for Jemma would rid him of these feelings. 'I've been through all sorts of emotions, tears, anger and absolute despair. I used to hope that I would wake up one morning and all these feelings could be gone. I would pray to God: "I have Jemma, I love her, please take away these feelings."
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Jemma Thomas could be forgiven for hating her ex-husband for his deception. No one would blame her for feeling angry, bitter and humiliated by his betrayal. Least of all Gareth. Remarkably, she does not. Jemma was heartbroken when Gareth told her the truth in 2006, and three years later her heart remains broken. But she forgave him long ago. 'I still love Gareth and I will never stop loving him,' says Jemma, in her first interview since he publicly announced he was gay. 'What happened to us is just so terribly sad. He really was the perfect husband in every other way.
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'I'm incredibly proud of him for coming out and if anyone thinks any less of him because of it, then they are stupid. I know it was a massive relief when he told me, his family and close friends three years ago, and it will be even more of a relief now that everyone knows. 'It would be easy to wallow in self-pity and dwell on the negatives, but I am a positive person and I'm grateful that he loved me so much he had to tell me the truth because he felt I deserved better. 'He released me and in doing so he released himself.
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'And the saddest thing is we really did have the perfect marriage - apart from this grey corner which was secretly eating away at him. We never argued about anything, we just spent the whole time laughing and having fun. We had a great circle of friends.
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'If it had been another woman, I think I would have thrown myself off a cliff, because it would have destroyed every ounce of my selfesteem. But the fact he'd been with men, strangely almost didn't feel like cheating to me. 'This was who he was, something I could never have changed, something that was nothing to do with his feelings for me as a woman. 'I knew that whatever he had done had not been done with malice towards me and I could see how much he was suffering and how sorry he was for hurting me.
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'With Gareth coming out publicly and our divorce being finalised in the New Year, I feel a chapter is closing and, although I feel sad and wish it could be different, it's for the best. 'This is who Gareth is and it is something which cannot be changed, but it has been so hard coming to terms with that. It would be easy for me to think that if I hadn't married Gareth, I might have met and married someone else, but I don't regret a single day I spent as his wife.
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I send my best wishes to both Gareth and Jemma Thomas. I hope that her interview may help other straight spouses to come to terms with the loss of a spouse who never sought to hurt them in a malicious manner. I treasure my children more than they will ever know, but I wish I could have had them without hurting their mother or myself so much in the process.