We are in Charlottesville this morning - we came up for my mother's 82nd birthday and will go to my sister's home for a get together later in the day. Fall is one of the most beautiful times of the year here and the foliage is much more vibrant than what we get in the coastal Tidewater area of Virgina. The photo above is a view of Jefferson's Monticello which is about a mile or less from my mother's home. Obviously, being here brings back many memories of college and law school and my dad who died a little over three years ago.*
It's been an emotional week - my son and his girlfriend moved back to Washington State. I think that after living out there for a while now he really could not stand Virginia's relative backwardness and its social conservatism. Sadly, I did not get to see him while he was here despite my attempts to get together with him. The fact that he and my oldest child will not even talk with me hurts beyond description and certainly doesn't help my issues with depression. I try to stay focused on my relationship with my youngest daughter who has never severed the lines of communication. She and the boyfriend have been my lifeline.
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I've been on the new meds for almost a month and really don't know if they are helping or not. I haven't gone into meltdown mode, so perhaps they are. Yet, I still have moments of deep depression and fleeting thoughts of a final solution. Some days I just do not feel I have the energy to go on, so I try to focus on one day at a time. The financial strain of the bad economy and making payments to the ex-wife are a definite downer. I realize that many others are suffering in this economy, but it does wear one down over time. At the office we continue to market to growing niche markets and thankfully my Hindu clients are staying active in their business transactions. The GLBT community also continues to be a steady source of clients.
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As for the boyfriend, he is a true gift from God. I'm nor sure what he sees in me, but it is obviously something far different than my image of myself. The running joke is that I hope he never recovers from "his head trauma." He is a kind, sweet and generous man and I know that I am very lucky to have him in my life. He even puts up with my other mistress - this blog. Although blogging has allowed us to have some amazing experiences such as the LGBT Blogger Summit last year and access at the National Equality March that we otherwise would never have had.
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So, live goes on a day at a time.
3 comments:
Michael pero al menos tienes a tu pareja, de todas formas eso que cuentas que una parte de tus hijos no te aceptan porque eres gay me parece cruel y terrible, es muy doloroso. Mi familia todavía no sabe que soy gay, tengo 22 años, no he terminado de estudiar, y aquí en España la tasa desempleo es del 19%, así que imaginate el miedo que me da salir del armario, porque temo que mis padres me retiren su apoyo económico.
También tienes a tu hija, que aunque sea el único de tus hijos que te entiende, Ella te quiere y te respeta.
Y en cuanto a la situación económica provocada por tu divorcio, te dire algo que te tranquilizará, y no es que quiera mentirte:
Aquí en España es muy común que las mujeres destruyan la vida de sus ex-maridos, llevandolos a la bancarrota moral y financiera, y no solo porque sus maridos sean gays.
Yo entiendo muy bien lo del suicidio Michael:
El suicidio para mí es una manera de castigar y hacer sentir culpables a aquellas personas que nos ignoran y nos han hecho mucho daño, también se que en una difícil situación psicológica, familiar, financiera y personal hay mucha rabia y dolor en tu mente. Pero a pesar de todo ello, todavía tienes a tu hija, y tu dices que es muy buena y cariñosa, asi que no le vayas a hacer daño quitandote la vida.
Tu dirás: pero que sabrá este chico de 22 años acerca de mí?, pues bien Michael, no se mucho, pero si se que es sufrir por ser gay, la discriminación, el sentimiento de culpa por creer que soy un sucio pecador (pero ahora soy ateo, así que ese tema ya no me importa), la impotencia de estar solo frente a una sociedad que solo te desprecia.
Ser gay siempre es una dura y a veces solitaria carrera llena de problemas y obstáculos y de estúpidos que siempre intentarán que tropieces en alguna piedra.
No es fácil ser gay amigo mío, nada fácil, yo que nací en un país tan violento y homófobo como Colombia se de lo que hablo.
Como nota final: no le des el placer a tu ex-esposa quitandote la vida, pues quizás algún día podrás reconciliarte con tus otros hijos.
Y no uses el google traslator para traducir mis comentarios, porque google traduce muy mal.
And please Don't use google traslator to traslate my comments, because the traslation is very poor.
Our lives are funny, aren't they, a mixed bag of the good and the bad at the same time. When we can recognize both, it shows a range of passion.
Glad you can get away on neat weekends, with neat people!
I hope the weekend refreshes your soul. Glad you get to see some beauty and enjoy the love of family. Happy birthday to your mother.
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