Coming Out in Mid-Life: Attacks for Being Selfish

Writing this blog I receive e-mails and communications from literally around the world from gays who tried to play by society's rules, married and ultimately could no longer go on trying to be what they were not. These messages come from as far away as Melbourne, Australia to local married gays who are coming out and contact me for advice on divorce counsel. All too sadly, the stories are much the same: vengeful straight spouses and courts all too willing to destroy the gay spouse, children who harbor anger because their world underwent upheaval or who prefer to cling to ever possible past grievance, job losses once their sexual orientation becomes known, and of course allegations that the gay spouse who decides to come out is "selfish" or has decided to "abandon" their family. From my experience and the experiences recounted by others gays who came out in mid-life, I would argue that the selfishness and abandonment is on the part of other family members.

*

Which is the more selfish: taking steps to try live your life without constant self-hate and unhappiness (and in my case almost certain suicide) or wanting to condemn someone else to a lifetime of misery and unhappiness so that you will not have your comfortable life disrupted. I would say the later is the more selfish example. As for abandonment, from those I have communicated with, the general storyline is that they were thrown out by the straight spouse - in my own case, I was told to stay in the closet or get out - and then demonized by family members and/or friends who obviously cared nothing for the gay spouse in reality. It is an ugly picture, but one that seems to predominate. I do know of some situations where this pattern did not hold true, but they seem to be a rarity.

*

I think all too often family members have no idea - and frequently do not care - what remaining in the closet would do to the gay spouse. In my case, it was not until my last year of college that homosexuality ceased to be classified as a mental illness. As for religious denominations at that time, one was deemed destined straight for Hell in no uncertain terms if you were gay. Why would a person not try to make themselves straight given that societal reality? Yes, there were some who had the strength and courage to buck the system, but far more of us made the ill fated attempt to be what we were told we must be. I would invite those who cite married gays who come out in mid-life to put themselves for a moment in the shoes that many of us wore. Image for a moment what it must have felt like to know in your heart that your were deemed to be mentally ill and just as likely considered a sick pervert and have this secret eating away at you every waking hour. True, mental health knowledge has progressed and being gay is no longer viewed as a form of mental illness. Nonetheless, society and sanctimonious "godly Christians" continues do their utmost to make our lives Hell. Add to that allegations of selfishness by family members and/or claims that one abandoned their family and it becomes clear that coming out in mid-life is not easy (not that coming out is ever easy even today for youths).

*

Would I do it over again if I had the choice of turning back time? Yes, I would do it again because I cannot imagine going on living as I was. Would I do some things differently? Most certainly. Was it selfish on my part to come out? I truly do not believe so and I would question the motives and moral decency of those who would condemn someone to stay in the closet mere to protect their own creature comforts and/or comfortable lifestyle.