Coming Out in Middle School

An upcoming story in the New York Times Magazine will likely send the Christo-fascists into apoplexy because it focuses on the growing trend of young teens coming out as gay as early as in middle school. Looking back, as early as 7th grade I know I was having feelings towards guys that caused me great distress - not that I shared them with anyone. After all, in that day and age, being gay was classified as a form of mental illness and as a fully indoctrinated Catholic I also knew that being attracted to other guys meant that I was destined for Hell. Thus, the feelings were repressed as much as possible and I convinced myself that the truth - which was too horrible to contemplate - simply wasn't the truth. I envy these kids today who have the courage/strength in a still hostile society to be true to who they are. Had I done so, obviously, my life would have been different, but I would have avoided so much pain and heartache. The only thing that would make me retrace my steps is my children. Even though two seem to have reverted back to rejecting me, I'd do it all over to have them. Here are some story highlights:

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Austin didn’t know what to wear to his first gay dance last spring. It was bad enough that the gangly 13-year-old from Sand Springs, Okla., had to go without his boyfriend at the time, a 14-year-old star athlete at another middle school, but there were also laundry issues. “I don’t have any clean clothes!” he complained to me by text message, his favored method of communication.

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“I’m kind of scared,” he confessed. “Who am I going to talk to? I wish my boyfriend could come.” But his boyfriend couldn’t find anyone to give him a ride nor, Austin explained, could his boyfriend ask his father for one. “His dad would give him up for adoption if he knew he was gay,” Austin told me. “I’m serious. He has the strictest, scariest dad ever. He has to date girls and act all tough so that people won’t suspect.”

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Austin doesn’t have to play “the pretend game,” as he calls it, anymore. At his middle school, he has come out to his close friends, who have been supportive. A few of his female friends responded that they were bisexual. “Half the girls I know are bisexual,” he said. He hadn’t planned on coming out to his mom yet, but she found out a week before the dance.

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“When I first realized I was gay,” Austin interjected, “I just assumed I would hide it and be miserable for the rest of my life. But then I said, ‘O.K., wait, I don’t want to hide this and be miserable my whole life.’ ”

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When I asked Gillean if he ever expected kids as young as Nick and Austin to show up at Openarms, he chuckled and shook his head. Like many adult gay men who came out in college or later, Gillean couldn’t imagine openly gay middle-school students. “But here they are,” he said, looking out over the crowd. “More and more of them every week.” I heard similar accounts from those who work with gay youth all across the country.

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What is clear is that for many gay youth, middle school is more survival than learning — one parent of a gay teenager I spent time with likened her child’s middle school to a “war zone.” In a 2007 survey of 626 gay, bisexual and transgender middle-schoolers from across the country by the Gay, Lesbian, and Straight Education Network (Glsen), 81 percent reported being regularly harassed on campus because of their sexual orientation. Another 39 percent reported physical assaults. Of the students who told teachers or administrators about the bullying, only 29 percent said it resulted in effective intervention.

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Both G.S.A.’s and the Day of Silence have been controversial in places, as some parents and faculty members object to what they see as the promotion of homosexuality in public schools and the “premature sexualization of the students,” as a lawyer for a school in central Florida that was fighting the creation of a G.S.A. put it. But there is a growing consensus among parents and middle-school educators that something needs to be done to curb anti-gay bullying, which a 2008 study at an all-male school by researchers at the University of Nebraska and Harvard Medical School found to be the most psychologically harmful type of bullying.

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That’s not to say that gay teenagers didn’t still suffer harassment at school or rejection at home, but many seemed less burdened with shame and self-loathing than their older gay peers. What had changed? Not only were there increasingly accurate and positive portrayals of gays and lesbians in popular culture, but most teenagers were by then regular Internet users. Going online broke through the isolation that had been a hallmark of being young and gay, and it allowed gay teenagers to find information to refute what their families or churches sometimes still told them — namely, that they would never find happiness and love.

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I encourage readers to read the whole story which is rather long. What struck me is Austin's decision that he did not want to hide who he was and be miserable his whole life. I made a very different choice and was indeed in many ways miserable much of my life. Sadly, there are still those who want me and others like me to remain miserable. Fortunately, the APA and denominations like the ELCA and Episcopal Church are accepting modern knowledge on sexual orientation and today's gay teens at least have some safe harbors on the religious front. Such was not the case when I was in my early teens. Change is coming, but nowhere fast enough to save many from years of misery. One of the reasons I am passionate about activism is because in my view, no one should be punished for their God given sexual orientation. No one.