I have been thinking a lot about one comment that was left the other day by a married man who said that he'd probably never come out because he did not want to go through the divorce nightmare, etc., that I was experiencing. I respect his right to have his own opinion and to do what he believes is best for him.However, for me, to have placed retaining material things over the chance to be myself and not stay in the self-loathing closet would be to sell my soul. Yes, the financial fall out has been a disaster, but despite it all, I am far happier with who I am than at any point in my life. I am finally free to simply be me and not feel the need to apologize to anyone for who I am. I believe God, the Creator or whatever force one might want to cite made me gay for a purpose, even if I do not know what that purpose is. I may never know.
The coming out process is liberating in many ways. I know that I felt as if a huge weight had been taken from me and also an incredible sense of freedom: no more playing a role and not living my life as me. The divorce and financial mess has also forced me to realize that I am not defined by my possessions. Looking back, my "things" owned me and not vice versa. That is not how to live one's life - at least not in my opinion. Surrendering one's true self in order to retain a house, IRA's, or whatever, is selling your soul and it is a terrible price. I did that for far too many years and could never go back to that life again.
Off to work in a few minutes - I need to finalize some estate planning documents for a lesbian couple and then work on a couple of sets of condominium documents. Not the most exciting stuff, but it meets real needs of people and also helps pay the bills.
On a happy note, my oldest daughter has communicated with me, as has my youngest who I will see next weekend when I pass through Richmond on my way to Charlottesville for my mom's 80th birthday. The photo is of Christ and St. Luke's Church which sits beside the location of the Arts Festival site.
3 comments:
Your "pupose" has already been defined.
To help others learn.
You only need to see that for yourself.
I think many of us have already seen it ourselves and realize your "pupose" in your new life.
You sound so much better than you did a few days ago. I'm glad you've learned to mentally detach yourself from your possessions. Can you breathe easier now without the weight of your secret and your "things" strangling you? I'm really happy for you, and hope all the detritus from the divorce clears up, that you can find peace and security with that aspect of these events.
And congrats on hearing from your eldest daughter! I know you are looking forward to seeing your youngest this weekend.
What a wonderful bit of news -- that both daughters are speaking to Dad! You done good somewhere along the road. This is the one who said based on the experiences you've had ... . It is nothing negative toward you, but rather the acrid vehement evilness (is there such a thing? Yes.) of those around us that brought me to the realization that I will continue on. I have been honest with myself, and for now, that's enough. I, too am a father, and my children are young. This is my concern, not theirs. Likewise, as strange as it may seem I have feelings for my spouse as well. What does that make me? Confused, at best. I know the marriage is failing -- has been for some time. I've been trying to keep it going, but one day, it will exist no more. That much, I do know. In my situation, I believe the relationship will end without being associated with a coming out. Then, I will make my own decision as to my next partner. It is my issue, not my children's nor my family's, but my own to deal with. You've been very honest, open and earnest in sharing your story. I apologize if I gave anyone the impression that I looked at your situation in a negative light. To the contrary, I admire your courage and draw strength from the idea that these things will always work out eventually. Everyone's situation is different, though, and each of us has a different way of approaching it. I am who I am and have always been this way. I don't want to use it as the reason to end my relationship which has been (used to be) terrific at times. It truly doesn't have anything to do with it. Like I said, I've always been this way. But, as I also pointed out, the relationship has become quite strained over the last 16 years and won't last the duration. Once I've dealt with that, I believe I can make a better decision for me. And, it might just be that I'm not meant for a relationship.
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