A situation came up involving two of my dearest friends that made me think of fights I had with my former boy friend that would basically arise from the inability of someone who has never been in the closet to understand and have empathy for how a formerly closeted gay may act at times, not out of any intention of hurting the partner, but rather to avoid controversy or even just reacting without thinking when confronted with an unexpected situation or question. Even though one has come out and made huge progress with putting aside the indoctrination with which they were raised, from time to time situations can occur where the formerly closeted partner may act in a way that suggests shame or embarrassment about his orientation. In reality, such is not the case, yet that is the perception of the never closeted partner.
For example, one time we were riding in a cab from the airport and my former b/f kept trying to hold my hand in a way that to my perception was obnoxiously flaunting it to the cab driver. I felt uncomfortable and pulled my hand away, thereby unthinkingly causing World War III to erupt when we arrived at our hotel. I merely had felt uncomfortable and thought all the hand holding under the particular circumstances seemed somewhat rude to the driver. Therefore, I acted out of courtesy to the driver. I never intended a slight to my b/f, but he could not and would not accept my explanation, accused me of still being a “closet case,” and would not accept my apology. It was hours before things calmed down and reverted to normalcy.
Something similar happened to my friends and my formerly closeted friend acted without thinking, largely I suspect to avoid what he thought might be an awkward situation given the other people present. His partner who was never in the closet and who had a supportive family growing up perceived the action as a slight and a repudiation of sorts of their relationship much the way my ex b/f did with the cab incident. As happened to me, my formerly closeted friend found himself faced with his own World War III. I am 1000% confident that my formerly closeted friend – who grew up in a family that makes mine look like liberal socialists in comparison – never intended to slight his partner (who he loves dearly) in any way whatsoever. Yet, I doubt my never closeted friend will ever fully believe it.
Being in the closet truly does damage. The longer one is in the closet and/or the more arch-conservative and anti-gay one’s upbringing, the harder it is to put it all fully behind you. Try as you might, from time to time it may unconsciously impact on your actions – particularly in the eyes of those never in the closet - even after one has been out and proud for years. Those who have never been in the closet sadly do not understand this phenomenon and perhaps never will. They have not lived it and experienced its insidious effects. Empathy is a two way street. A never closet partner needs to have some empathy for what their partner has been through and try to understand some of the after effects. I hope my never closeted friend realizes the wonderful treasure he has in his partner and forgives his unintended perceived offense. Would that I had someone in my life who loved me as much.
For example, one time we were riding in a cab from the airport and my former b/f kept trying to hold my hand in a way that to my perception was obnoxiously flaunting it to the cab driver. I felt uncomfortable and pulled my hand away, thereby unthinkingly causing World War III to erupt when we arrived at our hotel. I merely had felt uncomfortable and thought all the hand holding under the particular circumstances seemed somewhat rude to the driver. Therefore, I acted out of courtesy to the driver. I never intended a slight to my b/f, but he could not and would not accept my explanation, accused me of still being a “closet case,” and would not accept my apology. It was hours before things calmed down and reverted to normalcy.
Something similar happened to my friends and my formerly closeted friend acted without thinking, largely I suspect to avoid what he thought might be an awkward situation given the other people present. His partner who was never in the closet and who had a supportive family growing up perceived the action as a slight and a repudiation of sorts of their relationship much the way my ex b/f did with the cab incident. As happened to me, my formerly closeted friend found himself faced with his own World War III. I am 1000% confident that my formerly closeted friend – who grew up in a family that makes mine look like liberal socialists in comparison – never intended to slight his partner (who he loves dearly) in any way whatsoever. Yet, I doubt my never closeted friend will ever fully believe it.
Being in the closet truly does damage. The longer one is in the closet and/or the more arch-conservative and anti-gay one’s upbringing, the harder it is to put it all fully behind you. Try as you might, from time to time it may unconsciously impact on your actions – particularly in the eyes of those never in the closet - even after one has been out and proud for years. Those who have never been in the closet sadly do not understand this phenomenon and perhaps never will. They have not lived it and experienced its insidious effects. Empathy is a two way street. A never closet partner needs to have some empathy for what their partner has been through and try to understand some of the after effects. I hope my never closeted friend realizes the wonderful treasure he has in his partner and forgives his unintended perceived offense. Would that I had someone in my life who loved me as much.
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