Why "Coming Out" Matters

Based on my own personal experience with clients and now older members of the Hampton Yacht Club, coming out and living openly matters and makes a huge difference.  In short, it forces bigots and those not previously exposed to gays to rethink their prejudices and often can open minds and hearts.  It is far easier to be anti some theoretical person or group than someone you have met, have come to know or ultimately come to consider as a friend.   True, being out and proud can be scary at times, but in the long run it makes a huge difference in the furtherance of LGBT rights.  Over the weekend Leonard Pitts had a column in the Virginian Pilot that looked at why coming out and living out matters.  Here are some column highlights:

MARK CARSON was shot in the face because he’s gay.   His alleged killer, 33-year old Elliot Morales, is said to have confronted Carson, 32, and a companion, in New York’s Greenwich Village last Friday night, yelling antigay slurs. When Carson walked away, Morales reportedly followed and shot him. Morales was arrested by police after a foot chase.   

In pondering this tragedy, it is worthwhile to consider a couple of things: where it happened and when.    The “where” is just a few blocks from the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar where a 1969 police raid (“act of ongoing police harassment,” would probably be the more accurate description) led to a violent uprising. It is regarded as the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement.    The “when” is now, in the post-Jason Collins era. 

Don’t put your sexual orientation in my face, it [the anti-gay homophobes] says, and I won’t put mine in yours. Keep your sex life private. Don’t ask, don’t tell.    But the flaw in the argument is obvious: Straight people announce their sexuality all day every day. It   happens when they canoodle in the park, walk hand in hand through the mall, place loved ones’ pictures on the desk. These are small joys and we don’t think of them as announcements of sexuality, but they are.    

If you are gay, you don’t do such things. Or, you do them strategically, thoughtfully, picking and choosing where and when it is safe to canoodle, hold hands, set out the pictures. Because you realize the reaction may not just be derision but violence. Even death.     

So the decision to seize these small joys demands courage. This is what is provided when a Jason Collins announces himself. Or when an Ellen DeGeneres, a Zachary Quinto, a Neil Patrick Harris, a Jenna Wolf, an Anderson Cooper, a Ricky Martin or a Wanda Sykes does the same.    

Sometimes, when you step out on the ice, it helps to know someone else has already tested it. If you are going to demand the right to be, if you are going to accept the risk that doing so entails, it’s good to know that at least you’re not alone.     

Why does this matter? they ask.  In 2013, in America’s biggest city, within steps of a gay rights landmark, it seems you can still be shot in the face for no other reason than that you are gay.    That’s why.  

If there are those who reject me -  the firm that acquired my former law firm which forced me out for being gay (it's name is Wolcott Rivers Gates) is perhaps the most egregious example - they are increasingly in the minority.  At the Hampton Yacht Club, we are fully accepted and in fact, and we now move in a higher "old money" social circle than I ever did at that closed minded and benighted law firm.    Yes, being out can be frightening.   But it can make a huge difference.