Helping a Child Come Out

October 11th is National Coming Out Day - a day that recognizes a process that far too many adult LGBT individuals have yet to successfully navigate as evidenced by any gay dating site where likely more than half of the participants indicate that they are "not out."  Ironically, unless one lives in a Christianist household or a backwater like southwest Virginia, it seems that younger LGBT individuals have an easier time "coming out" than older folks.  Perhaps because for the younger generation being gay isn't the big issue it is for older folks or perhaps because nearly 30% of the under 29 set have walked away from organized religion which is the main purveyor of anti-gay bigotry.   Or perhaps it is because more parents - except for Christianists who likely seek "ex-gay" snake oil cures or disown their child - are coming to realize that they have a gay child and need to take a supportive role for them.  An article in the New York Times looks at the trend in parents seeking to support rather than condemn their children from the perspective of the father of a gay son.  Here are highlights:

THURSDAY, Oct. 11, is National Coming-Out Day, an annual celebration of living openly for people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender.

Some people approach this particular square on the calendar with pride and courage, others with trepidation. Then there’s a third group, which gazes at the day with an uncomfortable blend of longing and impatience. These are parents who know, deep down inside, that a son or daughter is almost certainly gay, but hasn’t worked up the nerve to open up about it. And many of them want to scream, “Would you just come out, already?” 

Parents aren’t blind, and the clues are often there. Some research suggests that sexual orientation can show itself even at 3 years old. In our family, by the time our youngest son came out at 13, my wife and I had long progressed from inkling to conviction.

Whether the parents might embrace or reject a gay child, families naturally tend to avoid difficult subjects — and so a stalemate ensues, with many parents worrying that the act of concealment could be taking a psychic toll on their child. 

Considering the growing support for gay rights, as well as the rise of openly gay public figures and sympathetic roles in television and movies, people might be forgiven for thinking that it’s no big deal to come out these days. But the process of announcing your sexual orientation to the world can still can be a minefield, said Ilan H. Meyer, a professor at the Williams Institute for Sexual Orientation Law and Public Policy at the law school of the University of California, Los Angeles. 

“Coming out and coming to terms with being gay is easier now, but it’s a matter of degree and not a complete reversal of the world,” Professor Meyer said. He studies what he refers to as “minority stress” and its effect on lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. Along with the fear of being rejected or attacked, he has said, such stresses include strain of concealing sexual orientation and inner fears of a second-class existence. “Gay kids do suffer consequences for being gay, and having to deal with social attitudes that are not accepting of them,” he said.

The strain of it all plays out in difficult and even risky ways, Ms. Kahn noted; studies suggest that gay teenagers have higher rates of suicide, depression and drug and alcohol abuse than their straight counterparts. The reasons, she explained, include the stress of being different and being spurned by friends and family. “It’s not like gay kids are wired to do any of that,” Ms. Kahn said. “It’s the sense of being stigmatized.” 

Once children are out, the pollsters for the Human Rights Campaign found, they tend to be exposed to higher levels of “frequent” verbal harassment (name calling) at school than those who stay in the closet. Seventeen percent of respondents who say they are openly gay encounter the harassment; while only 12 percent who are not openly gay reported the frequent harassment.

[A]s tough as it may be to be an openly gay child, it’s even harder to be closeted. Among those surveyed, 41 percent of those who are out to immediate family said they are “very happy” or “pretty happy,” while just 31 percent of those who said they had not revealed themselves could say the same.

[T]hey also suggested that we make it clear that however our son turned out, we’d accept and love him — and to work references to gay life into our daily conversation instead of treating it as a touchy subject best left alone.   We did, and Joseph came out to me one evening when I had taken him out for sushi at a local restaurant; he was telling me about ways that he unsettled the other boys by dropping comments like, “Do you think Josh has any idea how attractive he is?” I asked if maybe he wasn’t trying to tell them something — and asked if he might also be trying to tell me something. “I might be,” he said. And so we knew. 

Soon he came out at school as well. That was rocky at first — in fact, almost catastrophic — but today, at 16, he’s a more comfortable, happier boy. 

The most important thing, Ms. Kahn said, is that parents need to find ways to let their children know that their love is unconditional, and that their home is a safe place where anything can be discussed. Adolescence can be a secretive time, but “it’s the role of the parents to try to create the open path,” she said. “The adults have to do a little work here.” 

Even coming out in mid-life as I did, the fear of parental rejection was terrifying.  Thankfully, my parents never wavered and stood by me.  Sadly, too many parents do not follow their example and instead reject their children due to religious based brainwashing or due to self-centered concern over "what will people think of Me" rather than concern for their child.