Confessions of a Former Closet Case and "Ex-Gay" Survivor

As I've noted often before, I receive numerous request for advice or a sharing of life stories from readers around the world who worked desperately to convince themselves they were not gay, in some cases married and had children only to have the effort eventually fail and their artificial life collapse. Of course for those of us who are older, without the benefit of the Internet, we felt ourselves lone freaks on top of all our other negative baggage associated with trying to be what we were not and all too often buying into the religious brainwashing that being gay was sinful and horrible. It's a topic that I wrote about in detail as to my own experiences (the posts are sometimes none to pretty) in the early days of this blog. I came across a post on a blog called Rachel Held Evans that contains an interview of Justin Lee (pictured at left), the director of The Gay Christian Network (GCN), which seemed to parallel my own story in many ways. The interview also focuses on the falsity of the "ex-gay" ministries. Here are some highlights that I identified with:

Like other guys my age, when I'd hit puberty, I had begun to experience sexual attractions. No surprise there. But one thing was different: while all of my guy friends were starting to notice girls for the first time, I was starting to notice guys.

At first, I didn't worry about it. I figured this was just part of the process and that my attractions would eventually switch to girls. But they didn't. Instead, the feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger. Even if I could make it through the school day without thinking about guys, I'd go to bed at night and dream about guys. I'd wake up each morning feeling dirty and disgusted with myself.

As you might expect, I was horrified by this. I couldn't tell anyone, and I didn't know what was wrong with me. It got to the point that I was crying myself to sleep, night after night, begging God to take away these feelings. It wasn't until I was 18 (and dating a beautiful girl I had no attraction to whatsoever) that I finally realized there was a word for people like me: "gay."

Even then, though, I was convinced it was a phase. I was sure that God didn't design me to be gay, so I looked into every Christian ministry I could find that offered to help gay people become straight. I was completely convinced that an "ex-gay" ministry, combined with therapy and prayer, would help me become attracted to women and put these other feelings behind me. After all, God can do anything!

The hard truth was that it doesn't work that way. Yes, God can do anything, but that doesn't mean God does do what we expect. I met so many people who had faith to move mountains and who had prayed and struggled their whole lives to become straight, but their attractions had still never changed. Even the national leaders and "success stories" of these change ministries privately admitted to me that they hadn't become straight. Yes, some of them had married a member of the opposite sex, but the "happily heterosexual" face they showed to the world was not the reality. I heard more tragic stories behind closed doors than I can possibly convey.

As I turned to my church and the Christians I respected most to get their support, things only got worse. Christian groups kicked me out or turned their backs on me when they learned that I was gay, . . . . That was the realization that led me to create a safe space on the internet for people who want to live out their faith and explore these difficult questions, even if they come to conclusions that are different from my own. That's where The Gay Christian Network came from.

[A] lot of gay people are incredibly wounded, having been theologically "battered" over and over by misguided Christians. I cannot possibly convey how much damage Christians have done to our own cause by approaching the gay community in hurtful ways.

This damage, then, makes it very difficult for churches to offer even appropriate and loving correction—the kind we all need. Have you ever seen a dog that's been abused its whole life? They run and cower in the corner if you even try to approach them to pet them. A lot of us feel like that when dealing with conservative Christians, frankly.

[T]he church gets it really wrong. When a young man is gay, the message he gets isn't to wait until the right time; it's that there will never be a right time. Not only that; he's told that his sex drive itself—not even lust but just the temptation he feels—is a horrible sin, something that may condemn him to hell even if he never acts on it. Kids who hear these messages feel trapped. They've been made to feel that they're condemned even if they follow all the rules, and many grow to hate themselves.

I do not agree with all of Lee's views and have personally found it harder and harder to be involved in any institutional church, although my ELCA parish does make me feel welcome and valued. Each of us needs to find his/her own comfort zone. The main point that I do agree with is the importance of stop hating yourself and the need to avoid subjecting yourself to abusive churches (e.g., why I'm no longer Catholic).