I often slam ex-gay "ministries" and their snake-oil merchant advocates such as James Dobson, Peter LaBarbera and a host of other money grubbing liars. One of the things that infuriates me the most - other than the fact that they are peddling the scientifically refuted lie that gays can "change" - is that they care ABSOLUTELY NOTHING for the straight spouses and the children of gays who marry and live to see the entire "straight world" house of cards collapse. These individuals and "ministries" continue to disseminate the lie that gays can marry and be something other than what God made them to be. My own life, marriage, divorce and the emotional carnage it engendered for all involved is a testament to the damage that arises from trying to be straight when one is not. And I am likely only one of millions of LGBT individuals who married and tried to live the lie. Our motivations often were totally pure. But the damage done to others is not lessened by our good intentions. I came across a blog (warning NSFW) today that, in responding to a reader's question, had a good description of the outcome of following the hate, monetarily and politically motivated ex-gay lies. Here are some highlights:*
While I don't regret some of the decisions I've made, because they brought me two great things in my life - my kids - I do regret that I am somewhat stuck in the life I've created. Yea, I could "come out of the closet" or reveal my indiscretions to my family and kids, but that would defeat what I think is more important, and that is the stability of my kids lives. I've decided to sacrifice my happiness for that of my kids.
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But, if I knew then what I know now, that this "thing", this "feeling" wouldn't go away, and would cause me such inner conflict, then I think I would probably preferred to have not gotten married or to have married someone who I could be totally honest with about my sexuality. That would be ideal.
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Did I have feelings about men? Yes. Should I have gotten married? uh, probably not. . . . My point is, I would never suggest or encourage someone to be like me. It's not ideal. It's not fun. It's not healthy, and ultimately..it's not good
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It is a sad summary of many, many lives. It truly sickens me that so many lies are damaged because of the religious based bigotry, greed or political cynicism (or a mixture of all three) that motivates the continued lies of the ex-gay industry. One can only hope that in time the APA and regulatory agencies will in time stamp out all efforts at reparative therapy and to make people other than as they were born to be.
1 comment:
Michael,
I understand where you're coming from, because as a former Mormon, I was also advised/encouraged/bullied/shoved into marrying a woman, even though I was quite aware of my sexual orientation. I did it because of the shame I had over being gay due to the religious and social climate in which I belonged.
While I was honest at the very start of my relationship with my ex-wife, we both bought into the idea that simply making a choice to marry and being faithful to our vows would fix everything. Certainly it didn't.
No one can prepare you for the anguish and mental gymnastics guys like us experience as we attempt to navigate marriage which not only feels foreign to us, but causes an unbelievable disconnect with ourselves.
Often, when people ask how I managed to have two beautiful kids and remain close to them, despite having such a hard time at marriage, I tell them, "It was a no-brainer being a father. Being a husband, however, was always difficult for me." I qualify that by iterating being a husband to a woman, because I feel certain having a male partner will give me the best chance at success in a relationship.
I hope for all of us in this particular situation, we'll be able to learn from our experience, but not let it define us.
Thanks for your post.
Mark Cochran
Dallas, Texas
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