With the ongoing debate in the LGBT community as to whether or not rentboy loving George Rekers deserves any compassion, the story of Oneonta lacrosse captain Andrew McIntosh (at left), while positive, reminds us of the deadly consequences of the insidious poison peddled by Rekers for 35 years. McIntosh considered suicide - like I suspect many of us in the LGBT community - but thankfully decided to come out and endeavor to go on with his life as a gay man rather than end his life. One can only wonder how many young gays took the other route driven by religious based discrimination at which too many in the USA still turn a blind eye. Another positive aspect of McIntosh's story is the acceptance and support he found on his team and from his coach. Both OutSports and the Washington Post have articles that look at McIntosh's saga. Here are highlights from the OutSports coverage:*
I had just finished my junior-year lacrosse season at Oneonta State University in New York when word came that I was going to be a captain of my team for the 2010 season. I was excited. I was honored. I was depressed.
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At home I reflected on my life: How will people remember me after I take this bottle of pills so I can just die and no one will ever know I ‘m gay? I could see my funeral being played out: The images brought me to tears as I watched my father, brother and former teammates as pallbearers, all of them wondering why I decided to end my life. “How could Andrew do this to himself? He had it all.”
I had experienced no lonelier point in my life. I felt no one could understand my feelings. Who the hell is gay and plays sports, especially lacrosse? I remembered the first time I tried to kill myself, after I lost a football game in high school. I thought I should have just hanged myself then and I wouldn’t be dealing with any of these problems… Why I am in love with my best friend Mike?...Why don’t I love some girl like the rest of my friends?...Why couldn’t I just be like everyone else?
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It was in the midst of those thoughts that I watched the movie “Milk.” It was the first time I realized that there are other people out there who are closeted and do not want to live. There are people like me. And it was then that I began to wonder: Are there other gay athletes too?
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The next day I decided to tell someone I’m gay, and I settled on one of my best friends from home. I would say Mike is the reason I realized I am gay: I had fallen in love with him in college, and I felt ashamed of it. Mike was a teammate of mine in high school and became a great friend throughout college. He is also captain of his college lacrosse team.
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The first time I came out I never even said “I’m gay.” But I did tell him that I didn’t want to live anymore. He stayed with me that whole day and told me over and over that he was fine with me being gay. Of course, I didn’t tell him that I loved him like more than a friend; Better to ease him into that one.
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One website they told me might help me with the coming out process was called Outsports. And in Outsports I immediately dove into a goldmine for coming out stories just like mine.
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The first story I came across was about Andrew Goldstein, also a lacrosse player, at Dartmouth University. I remember in high school I had seen his story on ESPN, but I had subconsciously denied ever seeing it. After reading the article I talked to Andrew, and he provided great insight about being a gay athlete. It was refreshing to talk to someone who knew exactly what I was going through – living a lie, losing sleep, wanting to die – all of the horrible feelings that were destroying me. After talking with Andrew a new feeling came over me…that I was not alone. I had to let people know the real me.
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After he read the email, he [Coach Mahar] called to meet with me. He was unfazed. He told me that if we had a roster of 30 players and 15 of them did not want to play on the team because I was gay, he would tell them to leave the team. I felt a new sense of confidence. I felt whole again. I was proud to be playing for not only such a great coach, but a great man who truly cared about the people underneath the uniforms.
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Congratulations to Andrew, his team and Coach Mahar for a wonderful story. I hope Andrew will be an inspiration for other closeted gay youth and young adults who are having the same dark thoughts that plagued Andrew - and which plagued me for many, many years.
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