Embracing the Gay Gift

For the majority of my life, I considered my sexual orientation a curse. Something to be denied even to myself at all cost and which I always saw as ruining my life. As a result, I spent years racked with self-hate and made myself and most likely others miserable. In retrospect, I should have admitted the truth to myself many, many years earlier and come to terms with it. If I had done that, I probably would have left a marriage that in hindsight had stopped working long before I ultimately came out to my ex-wife. But instead, I stayed closeted doing every kind of mental contortion imaginable to avoid admitting who I really was. I in no way regret my children and would do it all again to have them, but I should have come out at least a decade earlier and allowed both myself and the ex-wife to move on sooner.

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Now, having found the self-acceptance that eluded me for so many years (over three decades, in fact) , I feel that my sexual orientation is a gift that God gave me for some mysterious unknown reason. Yes, the gift carries an enormous burden with it in this still far too homophobic society where ancient texts written by ignorant writers devoid of any scientific and medical/mental health knowledge - who largely sought to differentiate the Jewish people from their neighbors who did not consider same sex love a problem or a sin - are still maliciously used by those with their own severe psychological issues to condemn us simply because we are different. But the upside is that I believe we LGBT individuals have been given a whole different insight on love and what it means to be human - something the straight world will never understand fully. This gift frightens them, in fact.

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My advice to those who are married and in the closet? Do not make my mistake and stay closeted "for the children," because you dom't want to lose possessions," or out of some sense of guilt or unworthiness. Long term, everyone will be better off if you live honestly both to yourself and those around you. In my case, I believe that my children can now see that I am a far different and happier person than during my years in the closet. True, the path of coming out is difficult and there are many who will do their damnedest to layer on the guilt and make the journey Hell - including former spouses and many judges hearing divorce cases. But don't allow yourself to listen to them because you are not guilty of anything other than being who God made you to be for some unknowable reason. None of us chose to be gay. The issue is what do we do with what has been given to us. Embrace who you are and find a way to self-acceptance. If you are lucky, you will also find true love along the way.