I had another tortured, semi-sleepless night. I am going to my family practice group this morning when it opens to see if I can get something to help on the sleep front. Between the divorce drama, stress at work from client schedules and marketing demands, and other relationship drama, I am a mess. Do you know when you’ve had a nervous breakdown? Or is it only those around you who figure it out?Speaking of relationships, is it unrealistic to long for a relationship that provides a safe harbor from life’s turmoil? Emotional calm and mutual love, support and understanding. That’s what I want and need. I do not think I am selfish to want a relationship that does not take me from the frying pan and into the fire emotionally. I truly don’t think so.
Why is it that certain people just cannot get it that I (or others) will not want to be involved with them if they only add to the drama in my life, no matter how pure they think their intentions/motivations might be. Suspicion, doubt, surveillance, argumentativeness – these are not the hallmarks of a good relationship and certainly not things I want in my life. Yet the other individual cannot figure out why I am reluctant to be involved with him. To me it should be self-evident. Sadly, I do not think he will ever figure it out or change.
5 comments:
Michael,
I empathize with you as I went through much of the same angst and inner turmoil you are experiencing. After 20 years of marriage, I found myself at a crossroad. Either I was to live my life in a lie and deeply unhappy or change my life to be what I always was - a gay man.
The struggles were many, the heartbreak was huge, and there are still residual effects even after many years. However, time and patience brought me the man I love and who I'll remain with for life. Who could have ever imagined that at 48 I would find my Prince Charming?
So, even when times are the darkest and life appears to have no meaning, keep looking for that silver lining. You have so much to offer and eventually the right man is going to see that.
David
David,
Thanks for the encouragement. I truly appreciate it.
I'm no expert, but then what do you expect from a blog comment?
Yes, you know when you are having a nervous breakdown. You're not having one -- yet. ;-)
I hope you are getting some exercise. It can help with sleeping.
I have heard many semi-humorous stories about
sleep walking /eating /driving /shopping on modern sleep aids. Try a search on JoeMyGod for Ambien (03/15/07).
Yes, we all need and want that magical relationship. Don't give up hope, but be realistic.
personal for you. not everyone wants to add to your drama ... there are people who realize their drama shouldn't be passed along. unfortunately, as you point out, there are those who believe drama is what life is about ... there are many, who, like you, not only strive for, but actually have lives without the drama. You are a beautiful man and whoever the lucky man is, he will eventually come along. it might not be when you need him most (right now), but, you are defintely a catch. Only wish I could be that man.
It is never unrealistic to long for a relationship that makes you feel safe, loved and supported. That is how a truly worthwhile relationship feels. Do not compromise when your emotional well-being is involved. It can only lead to pain and regret in the long run.
As for the breakdown...generally you don't realise you are in it until you are smack bang right in the middle of the damn thing. Sounds to me like you are on your way. However difficult it is, try to take time out just for you (even if it is only for an hour) and attempt to not think about those things that are troubling you. It will be impossible at first, but eventually you'll be able to do it for 5 minutes, then 10, and so on. And never forget that friends and family will surprise you and support you if you ask for it. Do not be afraid to ask for help!
Finally - you will get through this Michael. Trust me. Take it from someone who knows. My circumstances may be different, but the emotional impact was just as strong. The saying "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" may seem trite but it is 100% correct. Unfortunately, it takes time.
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