For me, intimacy is a huge part - if not the most important part - of a relationship. By intimacy, I do not mean raw physical sex. Rather, it is bonding with another's soul and connecting with their humanity and them as a unique person. Raw, mechanical sex does not require this kind of connection and, to me, without this connection is in the final analysis unfulfilled and empty.
I am sure many of us have on occasion fallen short of this type of connection in our relationships. However, I certainly will do my up most to never do it again. And as the cause of gay rights advances and more recognition of our relationships grows, I hope the LGBT community can in time set a higher standard than the straight world for valuing true intimacy in our relationships. Our enemies in the Christianist far right try to define us by who we have sex with as opposed to who we love. Let's turn the tables on them and use their own definition against them and show how lacking in love they are. Christ's message was essentially to love others, whereas the Christianists hate everyone but themselves.
2 comments:
(applause)
You've been reading my mind again :-)
Perhaps some day someone will get that love will outlast sex, that a look that speaks volumes and touches you deep within your being is more precious than all the money in the world. That a hand that reaches out for yours is vital. That a friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your soul. That while sex is wonderful, it is not all that there is. That a kind word heals wounded hearts.
That offering an ear to listen eliminates the distance between people.
That all of us are complex beings, made up of many things. Any true relationship, between two people, is more than some bedroom gymnastics, it is caring, sharing, loving, and feeling.
It's coming home after a hellish day, and there is a shoulder to support you. It's finding dinner made and on the table when you weren't expecting it. It's going to work and opening up your planner, and finding a note inside that says "I love ya, ya nut!".
And so much more.
In our enormous diversity, sexual acts and their relation to intimacy and bonding spread across many terrains. Like you, intimacy is primary for me, and if bonding occurs, it's always been extraordinary. In both cases, "sex" comes along with the ride.
But sex need not include either intimacy or bonding, indeed, some seem incapable of it, and if that is the sum of the desire, that too can work, but usually serially, not with a particular person. The only "condition" on serial sex is to respect the other party as a person, not as an "object." Treating one another as "commodities" has become far too common to mirror the actual spectrum of diversity, so either some individuals are not incorporating their intimacy-bonding desires with their sexual encounters, or suppressing it, or both, to their own personal detriment. Be true, always to yourself, not to some "fiction" that one is told or presumes to be the way it's done.
The only "orthodoxy" (right belief) and "orthopraxy" (right practices) are those that conform to one's own worth, values, beliefs, drives, tastes, etc., not by self-appointed arbiters of the way it is, or should be. The way should be one's way, not some other's.
One of the benefits of a monandrous relationship is its ability to deepen the intimacy, strengthen the bond, build the growth, and develop a true organicity. But it comes with challenges; it precludes "easy exits," are requirement at a minimum an implied commitment to it, as well as to the Other.
Frankly, I tend usually to be inclined to come to an understanding, negotiate terms, and define responsibilities, except with my beloved. We've never set forth such "terms and conditions," other than an expressed commitment to work through each facet of our joint life together as it happens. This exception works for us, and actually reinforces the "unconditional love" undergirding it. It may not for others. Personalities play an important factor in which works for which.
In other words, each relationship will always have its unique character by virtue of the two unique individuals who constitute it. Each has to be approached on its own terms, not by an a priori template divined by some "authority" figure (usually, self-help gurus, but not always). Some gay relationships will mirror straight relationships, others will go its own way. Flexibility, therefore, is absolutely essential
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