What Most Straights Don't Get

The current debate about whether or not Elena Kagan's sexual orientation is relevant to her qualification for a seat on the U. S. Supreme Court has revealed a number of starkly varying mindsets across the country. First, the professional Christians and religious extremist demagogues at the first slight suggestion that Kagan might be lesbian began to foam at the mouth, denouncing her as sinful, immoral, etc., and declared her totally unfit for the Court. On the opposite extreme others say that it's an issue that has no relevance whatsoever. Others while not disturbed by the issue have acted as if sexual orientation is nothing more than behavior to be taken on or discarded. Yet others have minimized the impact that being gay has on one's psyche and emotional development. Having spent decades in the closet myself I beg to differ with this last perspective. True, one's sexual orientation is not the sole defining aspect of an individual. However, in this country's still far too homophobic society, being gay and struggling to deal with that reality IS a defining experience. I by no means intend to disparage LGBT allies, but until it is you, you cannot fully know what another has experienced. Even the most sincere attempts at empathy do not provide a full understanding. Andrew Sullivan sums up the reality well and argues that straights still don't "get it" and to the extent Kagan's sexual orientation is in question, it is relevant for something different than what many assume: Here are highlights:
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[W]hile a potential justice's personal life or sexual orientation can certainly influence her innate understanding and experience in the world, it is no more relevant than thousands of other factors in her life experience. - This is a sentence that could only be written by a straight person.
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This is what a gay person must go through to get to adulthood: he or she must figure out she's different at varying ages, but usually, clearly by mid-adolescence. The dating question looms, as does the marriage question. What do you do? Many gay kids pretend to be straight for a while (mercifully fewer than in the past); many come out and begin the difficult pursuit of love and intimacy and, in some states, marriage; others make a strategic decision to lie about themselves or to construct a public persona drained of any emotional or relationship content so they always avoid the question. At every stage of this evolution, the gay person is made deeply aware of his or her marginalized status as a citizen and as a human being. Few identities expose as much how the law can oppress, stigmatize and alienate.
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With all due respect, this is more relevant than "thousands of other factors" in someone's life. This experience, certainly for someone of my generation and older, cannot but be formative, whether it is repressed, engaged, hidden or run from. To remain closeted requires a massive use of emotional and psychological resources to distract, dissociate, lie, euphemize, cover, appease. It requires deception every day.
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This question is not about someone's sexual preferences - by which I mean, whether you like your partners tall, short, hairy, buxom, skinny, fat, whatever, and what you might like to do with them. It's about your emotional core and the integrity with which you have lived your life. It matters if a Supreme Court Justice has lived his life as a convenient careerist lie. It tells us a lot about him. And for gay people who have had to make these choices, and risked a huge amount to do so, it is somewhat offensive to be told this experience is just not that big a deal.

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Personally, I have no idea whether Kagan is a lesbian or not. I do think the question of emotional core and integrity raised by Andrew is important. I believe this discussion is also relevant in terms of the debate on repeal of DADT. Do we really want a policy that causes service members to be secretive, lie, and live their lives and perform their duties as if playing an actor's role? Or do we want service members who are honest, live with integrity and who are well adjusted?