Sex and a Happy Relationship

In an article in the New York Times that seems to make just plain common sense, a study has confirmed that couples who have more frequent sex are happier and happier with their relationship. It's interesting to me in that during my straight phase of life, in many married couples that I knew, sex was something many wives found to be a burden as opposed to a pleasure. Maybe that helps account for the overly high evangelical Christian divorce rate since sex is considered something dirty or limited to the purpose of procreation. I suspect that a similar study would find similar statistic in gay relationships as well - intimacy is important and when it stops, the relationship often begins to wither. Here are a few highlights:

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Q. Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

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A. The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

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Q. Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

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A. Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being.

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Q. Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

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A. In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages. Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.