God and Being Gay and Self-Delusion

Joel McDonald at Virginia Beach Progressives - somewhat of an oxymoron given Virginia Beach's status as typically a Republican stronghold - has a post with which I very much identify. It describes his journey coming out and the lengths that he went to trying to convince himself that he wasn't gay. A road I took myself with disastrous consequences in many ways. I sincerely hope that this sad story will become less common as time goes on and as at least some religious denominations embrace modern knowledge and cast aside the homophobia and condemnation of LGBT people that has persisted for so many centuries. Speaking last evening to a retired Lutheran seminary professor he expressed the hope that the ELCA's recent vote to fully accept gay members, including as rostered clergy will be a force for change in other denominations as well. So much pain and hurt and ruined lives flows from a few Bible passages that are used viciously to denigrate gay lives. Here are a few highlights:

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The first time I realized that I might be gay was during my freshman year of high school, in 2000. Because of my faith, I did not allow myself to even consider accepting the possibility that I wasn’t straight. It wasn’t acceptable. It seemed to me at that time that God did not accept homosexuals. I was able to take a conservative path that allowed for safe dating and relationships. After all, sex didn’t matter much when sex was forbidden; right? I’ll admit that I, probably like most who attempt this sort of path, did push the limits a bit; however, it never felt totally natural. It was always forced. I thought it was because my faith was holding me back, like God was pulling me away from going too far. Now I know that wasn’t the case. The problem was that I just wasn’t interested in girls.

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I did alright for the first half of my two year mission. I really did go out focused on the task at hand: teaching and helping to convert people to what the Mormon Church calls the “Restored Gospel of Jesus Christ”. I tried to be a good missionary. I tried to help people. Among other missionaries, I tried to fit in. Fitting in was somewhat a problem.

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You see, even though Mormon missionaries are supposed to follow strict rules that included prescribed hours of study, eating, working, number of lessons they teach, and how they are to associate with missionaries, members of the church, and non-members; they are still mostly young men who are interested in all the things that all young men between the ages of 19 and 22 are interested in. This included girls and sex.

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Things started unraveling for me when I approached the halfway mark of my two year mission. My inner conflicts boiled to the surface and started causing issues with how I approached my work as a missionary and how I treated others. A breaking point occurred one afternoon where a flareup between myself and another missionary led me to request that I be sent home dishonorably. As that time, I told my Mission President that I would not be able to live up to the expectations of missionary life and the expectations the Mormon church had for me after I finished my missionary serviced. I stopped short of telling myself, and telling him that the reason I would not be able to live up to these expectations was that I was gay. I still wasn’t ready to accept it fully.

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Late one night, I knelt down next to the couch in the apartment, and prayed as hard as I had ever prayed. I asked God to change me, to accept the sacrifices I was able to give, and to make me who He wanted me to be. I listened intensely for any inkling of a spiritual whispering or change, and it was during that time that something became clear to me: I was gay. Not only that, but I felt that God did not condemn me for being gay. I felt that I was who God wanted me to be. It was as if a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders when I accepted these things.

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I believe that whether you are gay, straight, lesbian, bi-sexual, transgendered, or however you identify, God loves you. You are who you were created to be, and God accepts you as you are. I almost gave up on God, until I realized that God didn’t condemn me for who I am. Our culture gets so bogged down with the doctrine and dogma of organized religion, where the ideas of the “moral” majority are allowed to define what is acceptable and what is not. Personally, I don’t believe they speak for God, and I refuse to believe that God would make outcasts of people who just happen to be attracted to and love people of the same sex.

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Would that more religious leaders, judges, politicians and others who market anti-gay hatred could get this simple message.