I had lunch with my youngest daughter yesterday and had a very enjoyable time. She will be heading off to college in a week and a half and I hope we can get together another time before she heads out of town. I am very proud of her accomplishments in high school and am proud and honored to have such a poised and beautiful young woman as my daughter.
In fact, I am very proud of all three of my children and hope that in time my relationships with the other two will improve once the divorce is finally over. I believe that time is on my side and that someday they will all better appreciate how hard it was for me to come out, but also that it was something I had to do, not to be selfish, but to keep my sanity and go on living. Do I regret the turmoil that they experienced as a result? Definitely. Would I have preferred a less hostile divorce process? Again definitely.
Despite the Hell the process has involved, I continue to believe that not continuing to live a lie and not living my life to meet the expectations of others is the strongest testimony I can ever give them in how they should live their own lives.
5 comments:
Almost all divorces are messy, and nearly all children suffer from them. That 50%+ of marriages end in divorce for all sorts of reasons, do not over-orient your divorce as being "gay-caused" versus incompatibility. Even if "straight," men are more likely to be held responsible for marriages breaking-up, and since mothers nearly always "get the kids," their bitterness almost always filters through to the kids. It was thus 50 years ago, and is still thus today.
Amicable divorces are about as common as "no fault" irreconciliable difference marriages, and "dads" almost always get the blame (deservedly or not, is irrelevant). That dad is "gay" only fuels the fodder of burning faggots for their Joan of Arc betrayal and infidelity, while dad is "porking" every woman on the south sleaze part of town has different timbers, but the same flames. Either way, dads, moms, kids, lose.
It does not matter WHAT caused the irreconciliable differences, so don't let homophobic guilt play a double-sword of injustice. At some point, your kids may admire your honesty and taking them into your confidence. Right now, they hurt as ALL kids hurt in divorce (lest they are without any feeling or security).
In time, hurt heals through affection, honesty, and perseverance, especially among kindred hearts, but during the "trauma" of any kind, pain is the dominant feeling. (If the MN bridge was the trauma, a similar effect occurs.) I wish that the effect on children was taken into account more often, not for them to arbitrate such things, but so that their security blankets and trust in others is not permanently sabotaged. Kids, even teens, lack the global awareness of mature adults, and are more intensely vulnerable for their naivete.
At THIS point, all any parent can do is reassure the children that dad still loves them and always will. The pain and hurt will fade, but the affection, commitment, and honesty to one's kids nearly always heals over time (and with maturity in years). The WORSE thing any parent can do is BAD-MOUTH the other parent to the children, even if true. During divorce, HOW a parent respects and conducts himself/herself in front of the children, in regard the other parent, has the longest EFFECT on children. It's tempting to get into bitter retribution, as each gets vindictive, but a Gay Sage recommends against that dynamic.
Sometimes, SILENCE is golden, or at least, the LESS SAID the better. In our perverse society that prizes dishonesty and concealment, then berates someone for trespassing against those deviant social norms by expressing honesty, is it any wonder we indulge duplicity for ITS sake, and then get SCREWED when we treasure authenticity? It's one thing to "come clean," such as you are doing, but don't expect rubbing salt into open wounds makes the present pain more palatable. Sometimes, we need to hold only our own counsel in private, until the storms of intemperance pass and saner heads prevail. Then, and only then, the sailing will be more pacific, with everyone on board.
I believe that over time they will also recognize your strength and courage. And know that you made the best choice for yourself and them.
Not being a parent myself, I cannot imagine the turmoil that a family goes trought with something like this - but good for you for being true to yourself and to your family - your kids will one day understand and love you for this!
I don't have much to add to the comments. Just know that your kids will come to appreciate your authenticity. And, you'll be a better dad for having taken this step.
It may take some time - even though my divorce was completely amicable, it took my daughter a while to heal. So hang in there and reach out to your kids at every opportunity.
I agree with Gay Species 100% - don't ever succumb to homophobic guilt.
Best wishes during this difficult time.
I can't say it any better than 'the gay species', he hit the nail right on the head. My parents divorce was very nasty, and neither of them was gay. Just be your authentic self, don't badmouth Mom no matter what, and they'll see through all the bullshit eventually.
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