Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Lasting Same Sex Relationships

I have been pondering the situation of one of my best blogger friends has been going through some rough times in his relationship with his partner. From what my friend relates, part of the difficulty may be due to communication issues and to the extent that is the case, I hope they make some progress and can share their thoughts and feelings fully. I believe that they are both extremely good hearted individuals and that they do truly love each other. However, from my own personal experience, I believe that sometimes true love for one another is not enough if one (or both) of the individuals in the relationship has emotional and/or psychological issues that they either cannot or will not address and control. The stable partner cannot be responsible for holding what amounts to a dysfunctional relationship together. At some point he/she for their own sanity and well being may find that he/she simply cannot remain in the relationship regardless of the depth of his/her concern and love for their partner. This is even more the case if the relationship involves abusive behavior. Should that turn out to be the case, I hope my friend will recognize the situation and find a way to move on if such need be the case.

The other issue I have been thinking about a great deal is what makes for partners who are compatible for a lasting, committed relationship. I know that I truly want such a relationship even though I despair at times in finding “Mr. Right,” particularly in the Norfolk area’s heavily semi-closeted gay community. The “good ones” seem to be already taken and those who are not – especially in the over 40 category – seem to be single for good reason. I am not looking for someone else’s bad reject. I admit some readers have also taken me to task for not wanting to become involved with someone who is not totally out. I fully appreciate that each person needs to come out fully on their own terms and time frame. Still, that does not mean that I have to want to climb back into a closet or have to constantly worry who might see us together, etc. My feeling is that I have gone through enough Hell to get to where I am emotionally and in terms of self-acceptance that I do not need to take steps backwards.

The other issue I have is one of attraction. First, I want a relationship where there is the capability for my partner and me to have intelligent, intellectual conversation. Second, I seem to have a number of guys who are attracted to me, many of whom seem like very nice guys, yet physically they hold no attraction to me. Some are considerably younger – an issue in and of itself in terms of whether or not they have emotional maturity – while others are what some of my friends tell me are “age appropriate” for me. I can love them as friends, but if the chemistry is not there, it is not there. You cannot start a fire without a spark. Conversely, those I do find attractive all seem to be either (1) already in stable long term relationships or (2) don’t seem to know I am alive. Anyone’s thoughts or suggestions are welcome.

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