Overcoming Misplaced Guilt

I spoke with a reader and fellow blogger who I have been communicating with for the better part of a year during which time he has come out to his wife, obtained a divorce, and today moved into new living quarters, leaving behind the home in which he has heretofore lived for decades. As might be expected, his emotions are all over the spectrum, ranging from excitement and hope to severe feelings of guilt and, I suspect, strong sense of failure. The latter feelings in no small part are likely being fanned by accusations by his ex-wife and others that "it's all his fault." I've been there and most certainly have heard that accusation myself. And for far too long I listened to it and internalized it thereby increasing my feelings of self-hate and desire for self-destruction. Thankfully, those days are behind me. I hope I was able to impart some words to my friend that may help to lessen his feelings along those lines.

*

"It's all your fault." It's a very easy accusation for an ex-spouse and straights to make. That does not, however, make it true. Unfortunately, sometimes only the passage of time allows us to see it for the untruth that it is and to shed the guilt that plagues us. It certainly took me a good while - probably 5 years or more to finally let go of the guilt even though based on my own experience and that of countless gays and lesbians I have talked with over the last half dozen years clearly NONE of us chose our sexual orientation. If anything, many of us struggled unsuccessfully for years trying to change it. All to no avail. Since our sexual orientation is not our fault, why is it our fault when we reach a point where we simply cannot maintain the act, pretense, or whatever else one might call it any longer? Truth be told, I/we have tried to do the impossible and yet, when we fail, why do we still get blamed? The bottom line reality is that we have not failed despite what others will say. The more important question is when will we come to realize that truth.

*

I hope my friend can process this reality more quickly than I did. I also hope he can come to accept and truly believe something that my therapist told me that I failed to internalize for quite sometime. Namely, that I/he am/is entitled to some happiness too. Is it really fair that someone be asked to stay in the closet and suffer all the negatives that it entails just so others can have their happiness - temporary and artificial as that happiness may be? I do not believe so - at least not with the benefit of hindsight. And those who would ask a gay spouse or parent to suffer the emotional and psychological Hell of the closet, do not truly love the person they seek to so condemn. Unfortunately, all to often, they focus only on themselves and fail to understand the pain and heartache of their gay loved one.

*

Needless to say, all of this makes me long for the day when sexual orientation will be understood to be no different that hair color and other traits that we find ourselves saddled with and which we cannot change. As for my friend, I wish you much luck and happiness in your new life.