Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Dating Values

Lately, Michael at Gaytwogether - who I will admit I communicate with and find to be a very sweet and thoughtful guy - seems to be doing posts aimed at me and my quest to successfully re-enter the dating world and, hopefully find "Mr. Right" after eleven months of recovering from the end of my last relationship. I am admittedly a bit gun shy of getting involved with someone who might turn out not to be "the one," but I do believe that I am happiest when in a committed relationship. The question is how to (1) attract the type of guy that's right and (2) project a true image of who I am. In a recent post on his blog, Michael has an article by a personal coach that gives some advice and tips. Here are some highlights of what I am trying to do myself based on the article:
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Your first step before you ever set foot into the dating jungle is to have a solid sense of identity—to know who you are and what you’re looking for. Without this knowledge, you’ll likely wander and connect aimlessly with men crowding the dating pool who have little in common with you except being single as well (and sometimes not even that!). . . . And that’s where your values come in!
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They give your life meaning and they are the essence of who you are and what you believe in. They are a core piece of your identity, the filler for your sense of self—your internal nucleus of sorts. Without values, life would feel empty, depressing, and stale. There would be no sense of purpose or motivation.
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Coming-out is an example of the value you place in taking pride of your true self. So in identifying your values, it will be important for you to distinguish between what’s truly something you believe in versus what could potentially be someone else’s expectations of you. Whose voice do you hear? Your own? Mom or Dad? Church?
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The most successful couples in relationships have shared values. Nothing provides the sustenance and glue to a partnership than values; everything else pales in comparison. You and that guy sitting across from you at the coffee shop may be totally attracted to each other (but he’s SO hot!), but if you don’t have comparable visions or philosophies of life, you’ll be setting yourselves up for tons of conflict and disappointment.
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By being yourself, expressing your true sense of self in every word and action, you’re showing the world the canvas of your identity and will increase your odds of attracting other similar guys. And by being true to your values, you will be less prone to molding yourself around a relationship with a man just for the sake of being in one because you’re making conscious decisions to honor your beliefs and what’s important to you to be happy.
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Much of this can also be describes as "to thine own self be true." I want to find a guy who wants and loves me for me and not some role I'm playing to please him. At the same time, I want Mr. Right to be able to be himself and not feel that he has to try to be what he he thinks I want him to be. After all my years in the closet trying to be what others wanted/expected, it is truly liberating and self-affirming to just be me. I suspect that a relationship between two open and honest guys who have a solid sense of who they are and their common values would be equally wonderful.

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