One of my readers left a comment on yesterday's post that does a wonderful job of further elaborating upon the point that I was trying to make and which recognizes that coming out after many years of marriage is very traumatic for BOTH the gay and straight spouse because love did exist between them, even if not fully complete due to neither party's fault. That reality can lead to great feelings of guilt and failure on the part of the gay spouse who feels responsibility for the marriage ending. I know I certainly suffered from it for a long, long period of time. Gays who have never been in the closet or who were never married to a straight spouse truly do not seem to understand the phenomenon. In retrospect, had I stayed in the marriage, I would not have been true to myself nor would I have been honest with my former wife. A "glass wall" would always have separated us as I tried to maintain my secret. A winless situation. I truly hope that as society becomes less homophobic in general, fewer gays will feel compelled to marry and set both themselves and their spouses up for great anguish and hurt. Here's my reader's comment:
Michael, it's important to also acknowledge the fact that although something was lacking in the relationship, there was a loyalty, dedication and a loving relationship that was built upon. Ultimately, it was not truly fulfilling, but still you must admit that there was a love -- it just wasn't the kind that would keep the marriage together. Too many people seem to think the entire purpose was to deliberately hide. It might be for some, but for others, it is part of the searching oneself out to find out what you need in your lifelong relationship. It is important to realize and acknowledge this because if not, then truly the intent was to use the spouse for a selfish purpose. In short-lived relationships, it is probably the case, but when the relationship lasts for as many years as yours did and produces three wonderfully well adjusted children, it can only be the result of a loving relationship. I might be naive or a bit jaded, but, there are good people who can love both men and women. Ultimately, in some cases, one desire wins over the other. I'm glad you acknowledge the loving relationship -- and the hurt that occurred on both sides.
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